When Artemis Lost His Brain
by Tomo Potter
Summary: Puberty is taking over just when Holly came to stay... Can Artemis control himself? Or will things get out of hands before they've even begun? ArtemisxHolly, post LC.
1. Arrival

A/N: Oh.Your.God. I haven't written any Artemis Fowl for ages, and I'm not about to be writing anything at all for awhile. I'm saving myself up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.) yep, I'm a loon. 50,000 words in a month... that's like 1,666 words a day. I think that's what someone on the NaNo forum said. I'm just stocking up on sugar - I'm starting this amazing novel of mine at midnight on November 1... yikes. And I think I'm going to a Halloween party that night... eep! At least I'll be psyched up on sugar. I'm too sexy for your fanfic, too sexy for your fanfic, too sexy something spankit! ;; It was the sugar :runs:

BUT... Last Sunday (yesterday...) a miracle happened. I got my hands of a copy of Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony. Yes, this follows on somewhat from there. I haven't included the twins except as references; I don't want to OC-ize them, I'm just waiting for the next book. Excuse me while I ramble about Lost Colony. If you haven't read it you have two options A: leave. This fanfic will just be one big spoiler. B: Stick it out. But don't go cryin' to me. Now here's my ramble, which you can feel free to skip.

ramble 

Lost Colony was DEFINITELY the best Artemis Fowl novel yet. I loved every single word. ESPECIALLY the mushy scene at the end where Artemis and Holly are trying not to be romantic, and failing miserably. I read it over and over, and I can't help thinking that Holly should kill Minerva with a rusty pitchfork. If I don't get there first. Seriously, Minerva was the only bad part of this book. She just... ugh. No. Eoin needs to kill her now. NOW. Before I do. Because my methods are far more painful. Oh and yes, I will be killing her off in this fanfic ;) But overall, I adore it. The No1 pun is especially good. They always refer to Number One as No1, and back in the demon world, he is a "No1" or Noone. See? Don't I rule for spotting that? And I always see Artemis' puns... the one is Arctic Incident was especially funny... Sir E. Brum... Cerebrum. People don't appreciate how funny Artemis actually is, in his own way. And that's really kind of sad, because he isn't fully appreciated as a character. It's not like he kills bunnies with rusty forks. He's just different. Unique. And damnit, I want to change my finger order now. it sounds FUN! You can do the finger to people, without them noticing! HAHAHA... Another character I didn't like was Doodah Day. Doodah just didn't do it for me. I hate the fact that he appears to have snatched a spot as a regular. That's just... nyargh. His fate will be sufficiently less terminal than Minerva now. Oh, and Artemis is officially eighteen! And being eighteen has possibilities... Holly! It's safe! You won't be jailed as a child molester now! Bwhahaha...

/ramble 

On with the story, damnit!

**When Artemis Lost His Brain**

_'At times like these, it's hard to believe that these are really just great big balls of gas, millions of lightyears away...'_ Artemis thought, in an unusually sappy mood. He was lying on his back in the grass at midnight, softly gathering dew. Butler was circling not too far away, he knew, but Artemis ignored the soft sound of footsteps on grass, staring at the stars. Of course, had he been thinking properly, Artemis would have realised that Butler was a professional, and didn't make footsteps. No, it was someone - or rather some_thing_ else making that noise. But he paid no attention, gazing at the sky as he had been for the past hour or so.

Of course, this inattentiveness was a potentially fatal flaw. Any good assassin could be sneaking up on them. It could be a kidnapper, trying to get a ransom from the vast fowl fortune. Luckily for Artemis, it was neither of these things. Luckily because by the time he noticed anything, the grass beside him had compressed, and there was something touching his shoulder.

Artemis' attention snapped back to earth like a bungy cord, and he called out, hesitantly yet casually, to his manservant.

"Butler?" Artemis said, as though going to ask him to get a drink or some similar menial task. To Artemis' surprise, though, there was a reply.

"Right here Artemis, what is it?" Butler's voice came from somewhere behind Artemis, sounding perfectly normal. That was certainly a shock, which convinced Artemis to look at who or what was touching his arm. If they were a human, Butler would have them in a bodylock by now. he stopped turning his head when his nose bumped into the pointed nose of Holly Short.

"Hiya." She grinned cheekily, hugging Artemis. "Long time no see."

Artemis hugged her back shyly. "What are you here for? Do the LEP need me again?"

"Nah. Remember what I said last time we saw each other? "We never get to hang out." Guess who actually managed to get a surface visa for once..." She grinned widely.

Of course, Artemis had entirely forgotten that he had summoned Butler, who came running when there was no further reply. He crashed past one of the rose bushes, only to find Artemis lying on the ground, locked in a tight embrace with Holly. Butler grinned, dropping his attack stance. "Good to see you again, Holly." He grinned, causing Holly to look upwards with her unmatched eyes.

"Hey Butler, good to see you too!" She beamed up at him, releasing Artemis from the admittedly awkward embrace, and clambering to her feet.

"I'm here for a little visit, sorry to drop in unannounced like this. You have no idea how hard it is to get permission to come see you guys." She smirked.

Artemis climbed to his feet, brushing his clothes off nonchalantly. "It's good to see you, Holly. How long are you planning on staying?"

"A week, if it's okay. I have holiday time, for once." She smiled, stretching and yawning. "Damn... walking here all the way from Tara wore me out. I didn't get to use a pair of wings. Is it okay if I borrow one of your many rooms until I feel better?"

"Go ahead. Butler, would you set up the guest room for Holly's stay?" Artemis said, unable to keep the grin from his face.

Butler nodded. "You have to go inside first though. I'm not leaving you alone out here."

Artemis nodded, having accepted this as the most likely probability, and gestured to the mansion. "Shall we?" Holly nodded, and they headed for the nearest door, flanked by Butler, who was still eyeing the premises furtively.

000

Artemis and Holly settled themselves into the kitchen, sitting at a small table with cups of tea and a plate of cakes, while Butler went to prepare the spare room. Holly was flushed with pleasure at the prospect of a week in the company of her favourite humans; Artemis was trying to remain composed, while his brain ka-chunked through various thoughts. His mother, father, and twin siblings were away, looking at pre-schools for the twins to attend, and weren't expected back until tomorrow. But what then? His parents had had the fairy stories erased from their memories; Holly showing up might be too much for them. He would have to figure out a way to conceal her species. But how?

Artemis sighed, rubbing his temples. Holly recognised his thinking expression, and kept her distance, for which Artemis was thankful. He discarded plastic surgery and holograms immediately; they were too farfetched, and too much work for now. Instead, he toyed with the idea of some sort of prosthetic, itching to pick up the phone and call Minerva for her input. Sadly, the LEP had insisted on mind-wiping her, and so she had lost all recollections of ever so much as hearing of Artemis. ((Okay, okay, so I didn't actually kill her. Yet. :evil laughter:))

Artemis' thinking was interrupted when Butler re-entered the room. "Holly, your room's ready now. You can head up and go to sleep." He smiled at her. "It's next to Artemis' room. I'll assume that you know where that is."

Holly nodded. "Mental maps. Artemis, do you mind showing me where the bathroom is?" She smiled innocently. "The one area of your house I haven't infiltrated yet."

Artemis nodded, smiling at her. "Of course. Our rooms share an En-Suite. Assuming that Butler has put you in the room I think he has, which is logical, because he said your room is beside mine, and his room is on one side of mine, yours must be on the other." He gave a little self-satisfied nod at the end of his speech. Holly sighed and punched his arm half-heartedly.

"Come on mud boy, bedtime." She yawned, and started heading for her room. Artemis tried to contain a stretch.

"I believe I will go to bed as well. It is late." Artemis stood up, heading for his room. Butler followed, stalking Artemis until he got to his bedroom.

000

Once he had bade Butler goodnight, and changed into his pyjamas, Artemis slid into bed, still pondering the problem of how to explain Holly's ears away to his parents. Her presence was ease enough; Holly was a friend of his who was in town and needed somewhere to stay. No, it was the problem of her species that was niggling him now. Holly was an elf - a very pretty one - and looked it. How was he going to convince his parents that she was human. She could mesmerize them, but that might affect their brains, and besides, it wasn't guaranteed to work. Sighing, Artemis got up to go to the bathroom, hoping that an empty bladder would help him think better. He opened the door, and immediately wished he hadn't...

000

Holly wandered into her room, pulling her collapsable suitcase out of her pocket, and expanding it. She opened the trunk to reveal some simple clothes, a little makeup, and some other necessities. Grabbing her special shampoo and conditioner, Holly tugged at a somewhat limp strand of her auburn crew cut ((A/N: I HATE when an author will say she has long hair in a different colour! PLEASE read AI properly! PLEEEASE!)) and decided a shower was definitely in order, to get off the sweat of walking all that way. She wandered into the spacious bathroom, and started a shower, forgetting completely to lock Artemis' door. After all, she wasn't used to this sort of living arrangement. She lived in a one-elf apartment usually, and had no need to do anything other than turn on the shower and hop in when she felt like getting clean.

Of course, it was mud-man water, so it wasn't exactly clean, but this was all Artemis had, so it would have to do. At least he appeared to have some sort of primitive purifier that made the water about as clean as it could be on the surface. Better than what most mud-people bathed in... ugh! She shuddered at the thought.

Holly stepped under the cascade of clear water, preparing for a nice long warm shower, followed by a nice warm bed. Artemis sure knew how to live... All thoughts were shattered when Artemis' door opened... _'D'arvit!'_ Holly thought in the split second before her panicky side took over. _'Forgot to lock the door!'_ Then the part of Holly Short that was just a normal woman took over, and she screamed shrilly. Artemis yelled and covered his eyes, while Holly reached desperately for her towel, while trying not to expose herself. And then all hell really broke loose.

000

Butler was doing one last perimeter sweep when he heard the scream... unmistakably Holly's. He entered her room with usual bluntness, only to find nothing, but hear Artemis yelling through the bathroom. All conscious thoughts erased except _'Protect Artemis'_ Butler smashed through Holly's bathroom door, bumping into Holly and sending her flying in the worst direction possible - straight for Artemis. The two collided, knocking Artemis to the floor, and knocking both of them unconscious. For about five seconds - the time it took for him to realise what happened, and become embarrassed. Then Holly and Artemis were waking up groggily, though Holly snapped back to attention a lot faster, and jumped off Artemis, hiding behind the sink.

"Butler?" She said in a suprisingly calm voice. "Could you please pass me a towel?"

000

The whole thing actually blew over pretty smoothly, with Artemis apologising embarassedly over and over, Butler returning to bed, relieved nothing had happened, and Holly brushing Artemis off by saying that she was tired and it was late. But both she and Artemis lay awake that night, thinking about what had happened. Artemis started off wondering how he had possibly been so stupid that he had forgotten to knock, but somewhere along the line puberty took hold, and he wound up thinking how lovely a body Holly had. Holly was just wondering how she could have forgotten to lock the door... it wasn't that hard. Nobody except Butler got much sleep that night.

A/N: Yeah, I'll end it there. MWAHAHA. Next time on When Artemis Lost His Brain; Day One. Artemis has to think of a way to disguise Holly's ears without focusing on the rest of her; Holly wonders what the heck is wrong with Artemis, Butler is bored, and Artemis' family return home. Let's see if I can get around to writing it before NaNoWriMo... unlikely - my nana's visiting for the first time in almost a year as of tomorrow, and then I've got a sailing race to worry about, then NaNoWriMo. So wish me luck, and see you then. I'll probably post my novel on my DA or something - if I do, I'll put a link to it in my profile. It's a Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Comedy, with decent-sized dollops of angst and drama, so it should hopefully be a good read. Or maybe it'll be crap. Who knows. Hell, who cares?


	2. Dreamin'

A/N: WOW! Within two days of posting my first chapter, I had eight reviews! I LOVE you guys! Sadly, I don't have time to tack on any more plot, so here are some random little dreamish bits. But first... REVIEW ANSWERS!

alyios: Yeah... I can't wait for it:D

Annie-morphs: Hehe... I always read AF books looking for puns... there are so many of them if you really take the time to look. As for the romanticish scene... I just look for any excuse to smush Holly and Artemis together in canon. Colfer just needs to get his rear into gear, darnit!

Spring Pearl: Doesn't everyone love AH? It's so sweet...

Smidgie: Wow... I think that's the longest review I ever recieved:feels all fuzzy inside: haha... Artie-pie and Holly-poo... no, I don't think so. More like NEVERINAMILLIONYEARSEW XD Haha, I wouldn't put it past Minerva either... she should just become a lesbo and start making out with mirrors XD

BlueGreenGrey:puts on boots of speedilyness:

tigster5: I'll hope to have good luck with NaNo... I've already warned my entire family to NOT interrupt me when I'm typing/writing XD

Tori: Thanks, yo! rofl.

Dragon Rider Taiyo: I will XD I was on MSN when you reviewed, so I actually saw that I had reviewage, and that was when I went "HOLY CRAP THERE'S EIGHT OF 'EM!"

WARNINGNESS: This chapter contains FLUFF! Oh yes it does :D

Disclaimer: y'all know I'm not a biographer, right? ;)

_Italics_: Dream, from that character's POV

Normal: Reality. 3rd person, as usual.

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Dreamin'**

Holly was asleep. An improvement on lying awake berating herself. Well, an improvement in some ways. In other ways it was just disturbing.

_"Holly?" Artemis was calling softly. "Hoolly..." I opened my eyes to find myself lying on a luxurious bed, Artemis sitting next to me, and leaning over me almost indecently. I smiled warmly up at him. _

_"Morning, Artemis. Sleep well?"_

_"You know I didn't sleep much last night..." Artemis trailed off, smirking at me. _

_I laughed softly. "You're such a tease. Butler'll probably be here to check on you soon..." I giggled, knowing full well that this would annoy Artemis._

_"I really don't see why he insisted on coming on our honeymoon." He frowned, not disappointing me. _

_"Of course you do, love, don't pretend you're dumber than you are. It doesn't suit you." I grinned, sitting up and using the blankets to cover my nakedness. Still pretending it was something he hadn't seen before. "We both know full well why he came. You're his principal." I kissed him lightly on the chin, but was surprised when I was caught by his lips... then the whole scene faded, to be replaced by me sitting on the bathroom floor, stark naked, and with no protection. I was totally, utterly alone... There was water on the floor, cold against my exposed skin... And I was crying for some reason, and then my head hurt, and my ears were shrinking, and I was falling... falling back onto the soft bed, where I closed my eyes, and the whole sequence began again. It didn't stop until there was a knock on the bathroom door, and then I fell back into my real bed, yelling;_

"ARTEMIS!"

000

Artemis was lying on his bed, eyes closed, trying not to sleep, and trying to sleep at the same time. Eventually, the latter won.

_"Artemis..." A soft voice was calling me. A voice I knew well. I opened my eyes, the smile already comfortable on my face. _

_"Holly..." I grinned up at the beautiful sight before me. Holly was wearing -that- negligee... the one she knew drove me wild. It was small, bright red, and slinky. Need I say more?_

_The beauty in front of me vanished, and I sat up, looking around for her. Holly had sat back on the bed, and was staring at me coquettishly over her shoulder, kneeling, back to me. Slowly, teasingly, she removed one strap, then the other, then she shot me a shifty grin. I beamed back at her, leaning forwards to place a tender kiss on her lips... And then it all shattered. I was falling through blackness... there was Holly in the bathroom, alone and afraid, but I couldn't save her, the door was just out of my reach, and then I was back at the beginning. It repeated several times, always vanishing at the kiss, until I finally managed to get a hold of the door. I knocked timidly, opened the door, and all at once it felt like an explosion, and I woke up to hear my name called._

Artemis leaped out of bed, startled into conciousness. Once his mind had jump-started, he realised it must be Holly. He didn't take the most direct route, instead going through to her room via the hallway.

He opened the door timidly to find Holly sitting up, sweating and panting as if she had just run a mile. She was shaking, and he had to resist the urge to put his arms around her as a remnant of that bizarre dream. Instead, he just padded softly over to her bed.

"Holly? Are you okay?" He asked timidly, and was surprised when Holly grabbed onto the front of his pyjama top, and just buried her face in it. He knew she wasn't crying; there were no tears, she was just breathing... was she... smelling him? He was considering this odd possibility when she let go of him and looked up at Artemis. There was a brief moment when both of them felt the magnetic attraction, and then...

Butler spoiled the mood again. He burst into the room wearing tartan ((A/N:shrug:)) pyjamas, pointing a gun straight into the room. He sighed, once he had assessed that there was no danger.

"You two have got to stop doing that." Then he spotted how tightly Holly was holding onto Artemis. He raised an eyebrow. "Should I leave?"

Holly shook her head, releasing Artemis. "It's nothing. I had a really weird nightmare, that's all. Uh... Artemis died..." She lied lamely.

Butler shrugged. "Goodnight, you two." He left, yawning slightly.

Artemis eyed her. "What did you really dream about?" He asked, sitting on the side of her bed.

"Uh... I was in the bathroom, and I was all alone and scared, and then something happened, and..." She shrugged. "I don't know. I just screamed." Holly left out the part that was in-between the bathroom scenes, for obvious reasons, though Artemis guessed fairly quickly because of the similarity to his dream.

"How very odd. I had a similar dream, only I could see you in the bathroom, I just couldn't get you. Finally I got to the door and knocked, but then you yelled and woke me." Artemis gave her a look that said plainly 'Let's-just-not-discuss-the-rest'.

Holly caught the look, nodding. "That's what woke me. I don't know why. It was just so weird. I haven't had a nightmare that woke me up for years..."

"Me neither. Maybe it was the magic..."

"Artemis!" Holly exclaimed. "Did you keep some?"

"Only a little." He admitted. "You have to admit that you would do the same, in my circumstances."

"You really are sneaky." Holly was smiling now, though she still looked pale and shocked. "You should go back to bed, I'm alright now." She yawned faintly. "I don't want to fall asleep on you."

Artemis nodded. He had been feeling the irresistable pull of his bed too. "Goodnight, Holly. Sweet dreams." He got up from her bed.

Holly felt his weight go, but knew he wasn't gone. "Night, mud-boy." She murmered, already drifting off.

Artemis just watched Holly sleep for a long time, before quietly returning to his own bed.

A/N: So that's just a little bit to say thanks for all the reviews! I mean it! I love you guys so much:D Keep reviewing, and I'll see if I can write a proper chapter next week, when I'm not on my way out of the house. The proper chapter being what I described last chapter. And here's a note from a friend of mine, who read this first;

"BUTLER'S TARTAN PYJAMAS ARE SEXY!"


	3. Brainache & Heartache

A/N: WOW. That is really all I can say. This fic is 2 chapters long, and it already has more reviews than my longest HP one... wow. Have to see if I can find the time to get any done during NaNoWriMo. Because all this encouragement... wow. It really makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I LOVE YOU GUYS :breaks into big soppy sobs:

Review time!

Dragon Rider Taiyo: Manerva...hee hee. But I agree with you. Not enough people have read it, and Artemis and Minerva are just too alike. I hate her.

Catslove17: Yup!

tigster5: Hehe... there's even more fluff coming... soon... :evil cackle:

Simmetra: Yeah, we can blame it all on the magic XD The tartan pyjamas thing is kind of a semi-injoke, a friend of mine and I were thinking about Artemis in lingire, then we started thinking about all the character's pyjamas... apparently, Holly sleeps nude. not in this fanfic, though, that'd just be bizarre.

Lugian-Holly Before Swine: Heh... I've been looking for a way to throw naked!Holly at Artemis for quite some time.

Fiona: Hehe... I want them too. We should raid Butler's pyjama drawer together. Luv you too!

Annie-morphs: Heh... it confused me a little too, but it was all I could think of. Yeah, I love fuzzy completely clean scenes too. They just make you want to squee.

BlueGreenGrey: Mwahaha. Now that would be telling, wouldn't it?

hollybridgetpeppermint: haha... most T-rated fanfics aren't too bad. And I'm not planning any Rocky Horror Picture Show-style orgies, so you should be safe. Mmm... underwater orgy. And yes, I think I will join. Minerva will DIE! Or Eoin will. One or t'other. I really prefer the former, because then there would be no more AF books.

fudgeandbrownies: I will :D thank you!

I rock 5.0: I suppose that's a valid argument, but it's still a pretty cool pairing.

ckontowderdon32: I will... )

midnightwaters: Yeah, I suppose, but he's just... I don't like him. Don't ask me why.

fluffyrachel: haha, love the name! hehe, the pyjamas will rule the world... mwahaha.

Slinky-and-the-BloodyWands: Heh thanks!

anonymous: Hey hey! It's only been a week! I won't be able to post at all next month - be patient! Glad you like it so much though :)

InuhanyouLafiel: Thankya

On with the story! (I've decided to keep up with the tantalising dream sequences; they're so much fun to write.)

_italics: _Dream sequence from Character POV

_'marked italics': _Thought from character POV

Normal: Normality from third person POV

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Brainache and Heartache on Day 1.**

Artemis woke up the next morning, wondering if last night had happened. He elected to use a different bathroom, before heading down to breakfast, his mind back on the problem of hiding Holly's species. Butler had elected not to mention last night at all, though Artemis was sure he had seen him smiling as he made toast and porridge for breakfast. When Holly finally emerged, she was still in her nightshirt, yawning and stretching.

"Morning, Artemis." She mumbled, slipping into her seat. "Sleep well?" She smiled slightly at him.

Artemis nodded curtly. "Rather well, asides from that... rather strange dream." It was true. Artemis had slept very well when he had finally returned to bed. "You?"

"Yeah, I didn't wake up screaming in the night or anything." She winked, grinning.

Artemis laughed. "That's good. Otherwise I might happen to wake up and think you were in trouble." He grinned right back at her, and felt something spark right between his eyes. He blinked, and was about to say "ouch", when it was followed up by a massive headache that felt like it was splitting his head in half. Artemis groaned, grabbing his head. "Owwww." He moaned.

Butler poked his head out from the kitchen, then dropped the piece of toast he was carrying and crossed the room faster than the average man can blink. "Artemis? What's wrong?" He asked worriedly, checking Artemis' vital signs. Nothing seemed to be wrong; just an elevated heart rate.

"Head hurts..." Artemis groaned, trying to control his breathing. Butler went to get some panadol.

Holly dropped out of her seat, reaching up to rub Artemis' back. "What triggered it? Or does this happen all the time?"

"No... felt like something stung my brain..." He managed to say, before the pain took over, and Butler returned with the painkillers.

"Here, Artemis, take this." He held it out, and Artemis managed to swallow. Butler then carried Artemis back to bed, and left him to get better in a quiet environment.

000

_I sat up; I was in a field filled with flowers. It was quiet and picturesque; the only sound was the birds chirping, and the bees buzzing around collecting honey. I stood up, stretching my arm muscles, and there she was._

_Her almond skin was set off perfectly by the white dress blowing in the breeze; her short auburn hair was moving slightly in the direction of the wind... She was facing away from me, holding a bouquet of flowers. When she spoke, she didn't face me, and it was in a voice filled with longing._

_"It's started."_

_"What has?" I asked, moving towards her slightly. The sun went behind a cloud, and I was chilled by a deep coldness._

_"The process. You have to hurry. You will lose it if the prophecy is not fulfilled."_

_"What prophecy? What will I lose?" I asked, hurrying towards her now. _

_"You will have to do the rest yourself." She concluded sadly. I grabbed her shoulder, and pulled her around to face me. _

_There were tears running down Holly Short's cheeks as she kissed me, and ended my dream._

000

Artemis woke up covered in a cold sweat, but at least his headache was gone. He walked shakily to the bathroom, remembering to lock both doors before stumbling into the shower. Once inside, he turned on the water, and washed away the sweat.

Artemis left the shower once he felt awake, and had stopped wobbling. He got dressed, and went back downstairs to find Holly sitting at the table, finishing lunch.

"Artemis!" She cried happily, almost spilling her soup. "Are you feeling better?" She looked at him worriedly, scrutinising to see if he was better.

Artemis smiled weakly. "I'm feeling a better, just a little strange." He sat down in his seat, running a hand through his hair.

Holly punched him on the shoulder. "That's good. It'd kinda stink if you were sick the whole time I was here." She grinned.

Artemis smiled back. "Yeah. Hopefully I won't be sick for the rest of the week..."

000

But they had all forgotten something very important. Artemis' parents were due back any minute, and they still hadn't found a way to hide Holly's ears. Artemis didn't even think of it until he heard the door opening, and his parents calling; "Arty? Are you home? We're back!"

Artemis leapt up, looking around, almost at the point of panicking. "Um... yeah! Just a second!" He looked around the room quickly, spotting a hat. "Put this on over your ears!" He handed it to Holly, who jammed it onto her head just before Angeline entered the dining room.

"Arty! Who's this? A friend of yours from school?"

Artemis shook his head. "This is Holly. She's an old friend, and needed a place to stay for a week. I said she could have the spare room next to mine for awhile."

Mrs. Fowl smiled. "Well that's lovely! It's wonderful to meet you Holly, I'm Artemis' mother."

Holly nodded. "Nice to finally meet you. Artemis speaks of you often." She smiled politely, shaking Angeline's hand.

Angeline beamed. "That's so nice... Arty, your father is putting the twins to bed. They've had a hard day. Why don't you and your friend go out and see the town for a little while? It can't be good for you, being cooped up in here all day."

Artemis nodded. "That sounds like a good idea, mother." He smiled, and obliged when Angeline gestured for him to hug her. Then he and Holly located Butler, and the three of them drove off towards the town.

000

"Ooh! This place is so picturesque!" Holly grinned, looking around. Butler had driven them to a nearby village, with maybe a hundred inhabitants, and plenty of quaint little shops.

Artemis smiled, looking around. "It is, isn't it. I haven't been here in ages... Not since before father disappeared."

"Artemis?" Holly asked, turning to him in a random moment of thought. "Why do you always call them father and mother? It's so emotionless... you might as well be talking about someone you've never met."

Artemis was surprised. "In case you hadn't noticed, emotionless tends to be my style. Besides, 'mum' and 'dad' sound so infantile... that's what the twins call them. And they still call me 'Artyis'."

Holly laughed slightly at the thought of Artemis putting up with being called Artyis. "Well you don't seem all that emotionless anymore... You've changed a lot, even if you haven't noticed. You seem fairly average emotionwise to me." She shrugged, then smirked slightly. "You certainly were emotional enough to watch me sleep for at least half an hour last night... I'm very good at pretending." She placed a hand on her hip, eyeing him, and for the first time Artemis noticed Holly's body. Before he had only seen her in a slinky jumpsuit which was lovely, certainly, but now she looked amazing. She was wearing loose jeans which hugged her hips loosely, and followed the lines of her legs, and a fitted tee shirt with some gnommish text on, which Artemis could translate as 'Haha, you can't read me.'

He smiled slightly. "Nice shirt, by the way. Though I think I can read it."

She grinned sheepishly. "Foaly gave me it... He said it'd be a laugh." She shrugged. "I suppose most people will just think it's a pattern or something."

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Artemis nodded, and gestured to the quaint little street. "So what do you want to do? There's not much here..."

"We could grab some food and have a picnic?" She suggested. "Just nothing dead. Remember that I don't eat animals."

Artemis nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. And nothing dead."

000

Three hours later, Artemis, Holly, and Butler were watching the sun set from a beautiful hill. Holly had insisted on getting a bottle of champagne to celebrate her holiday, and both she and Artemis were tipsy, while Butler had acted the designated driver, and taken the bottle away after they appeared tipsy. Technically, he shouldn't have let Artemis drink, but the boy had seemed determined, so Butler let him be. Just this once couldn't hurt, and, after all, it was a special occasion.

"Here's to holidays!" Holly laughed, toasting Artemis with a glass of juice.

Artemis smiled tipsily, clinking glasses and drinking. The change in him was apparent; he had taken off his suit jacket and tie, and was even wearing a couple of buttons on his shirt loose - he blamed it on the heat. Which was an excuse anyone present could see through - it wasn't as hot as it could get in summer, and even then Artemis always wore his suit, even if he was sweating like crazy.

"Are you two ready to go home yet?" Butler asked, emerging from a small miniature forest nearby, which he had been checking for possible assasins.

"No way, the sun hasn't even set yet." Holly grinned, lurching to her feet. "C'mon Artemis, let's go check that forest thingy out. I'm getting bored sitting here drinking juice." She dragged a laughing Artemis off, and the two of them headed off into the forest. Butler smiled thoughtfully, wondering, not for the first time since Holly had arrived, what was happening between those two.

000

"Hey! You can see the sunset from this clearing!" Holly called. She was sitting on a stump in a small clearing that overlooked the blazing orange sunset.

Artemis stumbled into the clearing. "Hey! You're right!" He grinned. "This is nice!" He sat down on the ground next to Holly's stump and lay back, staring lazily out at the sunset.

"This is really nice, hmmm." Holly smiled, slipping onto the ground and scooting over to Artemis. "Almost romantic." She giggled somewhat nervously.

"Yeah..." Artemis said absently, before it got through to him, and he started thinking. _'Romantic... Is that how I feel about Holly? What DO I think of her? What do I feel?' _He struggled with his feelings, but it was just too hard to drop the emotionless shell, especially while drunk, and so he let it go. For now.

000

Butler followed Holly and Artemis into the forest about ten minutes after they did. He knew that his constant presence was probably driving them crazy by now, but he had to be around. That was his job. He entered a clearing overlooking the last flares of sunset to find Holly and Artemis fast asleep, huddled together in a tangle of limbs and clothes. When he gently tried to separate them, they clung tighter, so he gently carried both of them back to the car and, eventually, decided to let them both sleep in Artemis' bed tonight. That shouldn't be too bad, right?

A/N: Yep, there it is, if you're lucky I'll be inspired to do some more before NaNo, it's not toooo far away... but I think I can crap out another chapter by then :D And now I've added tantalising hints and things... yes, I actually have a plot! MWAHA! And here you thought this would just be one of those random fluffy fics. Nuh-uh.

REVIEW! I LOVE YOU ALL!


	4. Dreamin' 2

A/N: I started this fanfic Friday morning so Bill would shut up (I'll get there in a sec) and so I have NO idea how many reviews I will have pulled in by the time it's finished (Yes, I do the author notes before and after writing, so that it fits. Well kinda.

Also... For the moment at least, I have a gosling! It was mouthed by a dog and the other geese kicked it, and people told me to kill it, but I kept it. Sadistic bastards :grumble: So yeh... at the moment we're just seeing if Bill will survive the weekend (I LEAVE FOR CAMP IN AN HOUR AND A HALF! WOOO) and hoping he's okay with our dogs and cats. He should be. He woke me up at friggin' 6 AM to feed him. So I think that means he's fine. He really is a gorgeous thing - all yellow and brown fuzz, and he makes the most adorable squeaky peeping sound - and he adores listening to the sound of me typing :shrug: he stopped crying when I started typing on a forum earlier, then started, so I figured that typing some more fanfic was the best bit. Dweeem time...

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Dreamin' 2**

Artemis was clinging gently to Holly, breathing lightly in his sleep. His hair was splayed this way and that, and he looked like a totally different person than the one he was during the day. Or maybe he was that person during the day, only it was subdued by his intellect and sarcasm. In any case, he looked adorable.

_"Oh Artemis..." The voice called seductively. I sat up, looking over at her. She was in the kitchen, cooking something that smelled delicious. She turned to face me, a teasing smile on her face._

_"Like it?" She asked. She was wearing a small sheer dress that I could -almost- see through. Smirking at my shocked expression, she slunk over to me, making every inch of me tremble. She crawled along the bed, until she was sitting on my crotch, nose to my nose. _

_Holly whispered to me two words; "Help me." And then she kissed me and it all vanished._

_I was sitting in a room. It was dark, and I could tell that mine was the only chair. The only door from the room had bars on, and I crossed to it forlornly, peeking through the bars to see her sitting there in her prison. _

_She looked up to me, eyes full of tears. "Save me." She begged. I watched her drag herself over to the bars, her stunningly hazel eyes never leaving mine. _

_"I can't." I replied apologetically. "I don't have the key." _

_"Yes you do." She whispered. "Find the key in your heart to set me free." And somehow, through the bars, her lips found mine..._

It was Artemis' turn to be snapped out of a dream, though he didn't shout for Holly. Instead he wondered what the foreign object in his bed was - and why it was there. He knew where the headache came from - He must have had too much to drink, but it didn't explain... Holly?'s presence in his bed. He tried to de-tangle himself but Holly pulled him closer, whimpering ever-so-slightly. That adorable sound alone was enough for Artemis to put his arms around Holly without a second thought, and hold her until she awoke.

000

Holly, of course, was asleep. Her hair clung to her head, and she clung tightly to Artemis, as if letting go would mean letting go of life. She was constantly trying to get closer to him without reducing her grip, so she was all bunched up to him.

_"Holly? Are you awake?" He smiled into my face. _

_I yawned. "Yeah, I'm awake. Because you woke me."_

_He laughed. "Didn't I tell you last night what I was planning to do to you this morning?"_

_"Oooh, let me wake up first. I need to stretch, and pee."_

_He chuckled. "At least let me give you your morning kiss." Artemis leaned right in to me, until I could almost taste his breath. He breathed "Save me." And as his lips touched mine, the dream vanished._

_There he was. Locked in a cage, dangling a few feet from the floor. I raced over to the cage, pulling desperately at the padlock. _

_"Help me." He called desperately. His face was a mess, all covered in dirt and scrapes, his suit was gone, replaced by a dirty torn shirt and jeans, and his hair was messed up all over the place. He really looked the part of a prisoner._

_"I'm trying!" I said exasperatedly, tugging harder now. _

_He shook his head. "That won't do anything."_

_"Then what DO I do, smart boy?" I yelled._

_"Look in your heart." He kissed me, and it was gone._

Holly woke up kicking, punching and shrieking blindly. Artemis yelped, getting out of the way and covering her mouth. "Shh."

Holly calmed down, realising the situation. "Why the heck are you in my bed?" She asked, smoothing her hair with her hand.

"Technically you're in mine. You were clinging to me so hard that I couldn't get you off."

"So what - you carried me all the way to bed?"

"No, I was asleep too. I just woke up before you. I assume Butler put us here, after failing to prise us apart."

Holly smiled slightly at the thought. "Something like that." She rubbed her head.

Artemis blinked. "Hangover?"

"Yeah... I have a smaller body, and your alcohol is stronger... oww, I must have been smashed." She moaned slightly, stretching. "You feeling alright mud boy?"

Artemis nodded. "I'm Artemis Fowl. I don't have hangovers." He eyed her sceptically. "Of course my head hurts, silly." He rubbed it.

"Not used to alcohol, are you mud boy?" She smirked, punching his shoulder slightly.

He sighed, rubbing it. "I'm fifteen, of course not. And can you please stop doing that?"

"Sorry." Holly grinned sheepishly. "Old habits die hard."

"Just don't hit Butler, he hits back by sheer force of habit." Artemis said seriously. Holly laughed.

"So what was so big that it woke you up?" Artemis asked.

"Uh... It was odd. I was... uh... Well..." She wondered what to say.

Artemis eyed her. "I probably had the same sort of dream. So go ahead." He raised an eyebrow.

Holly couldn't help laughing. "Actually dreaming about girls now too? Wow, puberty must be hitting pretty hard."

Artemis sighed and nodded. "The dream, Holly?"

"Oh yeah. I was on a bed and you woke me up and we talked and..." She turned deep red. "It was the weirdest thing."

Artemis sighed. "We can skip over the kissing." His cheeks were tinged pink. Holly contemplated teasing him about this, but then she remembered that she was redder than he was.

"Well... after that, you were in a cage, and wanted me to rescue you, but I didn't know how. Then you told me to look into my heart, and I woke up." She shrugged. "It was strange. What about you?"

Artemis shrugged lightly. "Similar, except you were in a jail, not a cage. And you said something about a key." He sighed. "I don't know if it means anything or not."

Holly sighed, eyes drooping. "Neither do I... And I find that I can't care right now." Her eyes shut completely, and she unconsciously wrapped her arms around Artemis. Artemis couldn't help but smile and return the gesture, falling asleep five minutes later.

A/N: Holy goose poo, it's Tuesday, and I have 46 reviews. I am completely, utterly stoked. This chapter doesn't appeal to me as much, but I hope people like it. I'll start on chapter 5 ASAP.

RiverWren: Haha... Butler - the ultimate mood killer.

VanillaApple: Lol, thanks

Hello: I want to get a printing machine and make it... XD

Marik: Thanks!

fluffyrachel: Yeah, I'm so mean to Butler. Don't ask why. I just love embarassing him.

Summerset: I wonder, if enough people hate her, maybe Colfer will kill her off... :D

Catslove17: Yep!

Neatsue: Thanks for reading!

AgiVega: Mwahaha...

mike: Um... okay... thanks, I guess.

AAA: I'm not cruel :)

hollybridgetpeppermint: Nuu! Don't stop reading! Hehe... The let's kill Minerva club. How awesome.

fallen in snow: Mmm... plastic spoon... that has potential. A plastic spork would do even worse damage though.

tigster5: Haha... I didn't think I had advanced the plot at all... it's still pretty haywire in my mind.

Dreamlights: Haha... the pyjamas rule.

Rachelbuntaro: Yeah, I have to admit that was kinda dumb of him, what with Artemis' ever-advancing hormones.

ChocolateIsMyDrug: OMG I love your name. Yeah, come back and read once you have TLC... it must suck having to wait until after exams!

-Love-You-Always-And-Forever-: Yay for tandel! My face is still bright red... ugh. I hate sunburn. Wish I could tan like that. Lucks with the French oral exam thingy! (Or was that this morning? hmmmm... I can't remember. EMO GUY!)

AnimeJunkie111: i wouldnt want 2 make u mad at me, heres another chapter! (sorry, I just love making fun of chat speak. It gets on my nerves no end.)

Wow. Awesome. So many, many reviews. It's like an orgy of reviews. (We were having fake orgies at camp this weekend XD It was hilarious. Ahh, good times.)

And now I have to go clean up goose poo. REVIEW!


	5. Losing Control

A/N: Mum's watching Pringle (we mutually agreed that Bill is a dumb name for him and renamed him Pringle) so I have a little time to write. Things have been fairly hectic here; I'm starting to seriously wonder how I'll fit in NaNo, though if it's at all possible I'll keep up with this story as well. It'll just be much less frequent updates.

Reviews! There were so many this time, that I only replied to ones that really stood out. I still love you all!

xX-Fiona-Xx: Oh yeah... that was hilarious! I liked how the window was positioned, so it looked like they were actually having sex XD it was so funny. And when you were like "I'm in the middle of something!" And Melissa started faking orgasms... aaah, good times. You called him Sugar Pie?!?!? OMG you know he likes you... he might take it the wrong way and... ew ew ew.

Cheese Head: You should have been at the camp I just went to, now that was fun. This isn't porn, more like very light smut.

RiverWren: Ick... that must have been a pain. At least Pringle lets me sleep in until seven sometimes... I can't imagine being dragged up at five.

Annie-Morphs: Yes, brainache is possible... I get it frequently when I stare at a computer for long periods of time. That's why I got glasses this weekend. YAY, glasses:dances in her shiny new glasses

Annie-Morphs (again!): Hmm... I may be getting predictable. OR I MAY NOT! WAHAHAHA

hollybridgetpeppermint: Sorry, but it'll get worse before it gets better :S Most T-rated smut is way worse than this; I'm keeping things very PG for ya.

Brief note that belongs here: Please contact hollybridgetpeppermint to join the "I Hate Minerva Club". I know I'm making jackets :P (well not really. But ya know. They're imaginary jackets! YAY!)

Avalons-Healer: No... but I want information:googles:

elve-man: I don't know... that seems like such a cliché ending, besides, I already have one story ending in marriage (From Within) and I don't want to restrict myself like that. I'll keep it in mind, though.

devoted99: I've seen a lot of people doing this, and it strikes me as a better way to respond, because you're acknowledging all the awesome people who inspire you to keep writing, instead of letting their names wither away in the isolation of the review page. And A/Ns are allowed, and these are like A/Ns, just directed at specific readers. So I'll keep up with these for now, and see how things go. I have backups of my stories, so I can repost them if they get deleted.

WARNINGS: This chapter contains someone self-harming, and that may disturb. If it scares you, just skip that part, 'kay?

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Losing Control**

Holly woke up bright and early on the first full day of her stay at Artemis' house to find her nose an inch away from him on the pillow. She kept herself from yelping and tried to pull away, but the boy's hold on her was too strong, and she had to resort to shaking him to wake him up.

"Artemis, wake up, it's morning." She said, resisting the urge to punch him on the shoulder.

Artemis' eyes dragged themselves open, and Holly could see the mass of eye goobies in the corner, which disgusted her slightly.

"Come on mud boy, get up and let go of me." She tickled him slightly in the stomach, and was surprised when Artemis doubled over laughing.

"Artemis? Are you ticklish?" She asked, shockedly.

"No... Of course not." Artemis said between giggling fits.

Holly rolled her eyes and tickled him again, sending Artemis into more giggling spasms. "Of course you aren't." She smiled evilly, and tackled Artemis, tickling him wildly and laughing. They rolled around for awhile, tickling each other and cracking up, before Butler came in to wake them up. He smiled when they didn't notice his presence, and leaned in the doorway, watching them rolling around.

When Artemis did notice, he tried to shove Holly off, and said between giggling fits; "Butler. Good... hee hee... Morning... Holly stop that."

Holly withdrew her fingers from Artemis' armpit, blushing slightly. "Morning Butler."

Butler smiled at the pair of them. "Breakfast is in a few minutes. Please be ready by then." He smiled warmly at them, then departed.

Holly retreated to the edge of the bed. "I should go get dressed." Artemis nodded. Neither of them moved.

"Holly?" Artemis said after a minute.

"Yeah?"

"You're still in my bed."

"Oh." Holly blushed, and went back to her own room. Artemis sighed, and went to change.

000

By the time Holly got to breakfast, Artemis and his parents were all there eating. Thankful that she had remembered to jam on a hat, she took a seat next to Artemis.

"Good morning, Holly." Angeline smiled, holding out a toast rack. "Sleep well?"

"Yes Mrs. Fowl, thank you." Holly said politely, taking a piece of toast and buttering it.

"Now now, there's no need for such formality! Please feel free to call me Angeline." She smiled at Holly. Artemis senior turned to Artemis junior. ((A/N: wow... this household would get confusing so easily. Especially if one twin was a girl, and happened to be named Angeline.))

"So, Artemis, I hope you're not going to vanish onto your computer, and leave your guest all alone."

"Of course not, father. I intend to be a good host."

Artemis senior smiled, and ruffled his son's hair. "That's my boy."

Artemis smiled back. "Have you and mother got any plans for the day?"

"I have physiotherapy all day. We'll be back for dinner, but I'll have to leave you in Butler's capable hands for now." Artemis Sr. replied, stretching slightly. "I don't know why, I feel fit as a fiddle."

"You have to keep up with it father, otherwise your health will decrease significantly."

000

At this point in time, somewhere else in the world, a teenage girl was sitting at her computer, chewing her left pinky nail.

"Oh bum!" She exclaimed, throwing her empty soda can away. "I've been stuck at this for three days. Let's just fast forward to the action." With an evil smirk, she resumed typing.

000

Holly and Artemis were sitting in Artemis' room, reading. Holly was halfway through the Harry Potter books Angeline had given Artemis for his twelfth birthday, while Artemis was flipping through his copy of the fairy book. (You know the one.) He froze when he reached the prophecy of MMVII. MMVII. Roman numerals for this year, 2007 ((A/N: I think so - I never learned roman numerals. Oh and yeah, 2007, because Artemis will have vanished in '04, and he was gone for three years.)) He read it repeatedly, wondering what it could mean. It had been written as some sort of riddle, and he couldn't make head nor tail of it.

_Condemned by fate_

_Condemned by species_

_Destined for one another_

_The truth they find_

_The truth divine_

_Beginning of a new era_

_One lost heart_

_One lost skill_

_Return it all_

_Sealed feelings with a kiss._

Artemis was staring at the book with a look so intense it could shatter glass, when Holly fell over. Since she had been sitting on the floor, this was not good.

Artemis eyed her, annoyed at being snapped out of his thoughts. "Holly?" His annoyance vanished when Holly doubled over and started twitching. Blue steam flew from all her pores, and her eyes rolled back in her head. Artemis was powerless, and had to watch as blue sparks flowed out of Holly at every pore, her body bucking violently. Eventually she calmed down and opened her eyed, shivering as if a warm blanket had vanished, and she had been left in the cold.

"Artemis?" She asked sleepily. "What just happened?"

Artemis didn't answer, already checking her over. Holly batted his hands away. "I'm fine Artemis. Just a scratch." She touched a scrape on her cheek and thought _'Heal.' _Confused when nothing happened, she tried again.

Artemis sighed when his fears were confirmed. "I don't believe we were so stupid..."

"What is it, mud boy?" Holly whipped around to glare at Artemis as if it was his fault.

"You drank alcohol with a mud man." He whispered.

Holly looked at him, horrified. "Oh Frond no... AUGH!" She didn't get to finish her sentence, because she fell on the ground, hands around her ears. Artemis could only watch in horror as Holly's ears shrank, and she grew taller and taller, until she was the same height as Artemis. Then she lay still, passed out from the pain of becoming human. Artemis' head was throbbing, but he picked Holly up, laying her on his bed. It wasn't long before he collapsed beside her, gritting his teeth and clutching his ever-worsening head.

000

_I was floating through a dreamlike black space when I saw her. Curled up inside a tight, protective bubble with no way to get out. I hammered on the surface to no avail, and finally she noticed me. I was crying, trying desperately to reach her, but the bubble was resisting anything I sent at it. She scrabbled her fingers on it's slippery surface desperately. I could tell she was screaming and crying, but every sound, every movement, everything that she was was trapped in that bubble. Finally, I yelled out her name in frustration, and the bubble shattered. Wrapping our arms around each other protectively, we slipped off into the nothingness. I softly kissed her, and all faded to black._

000

Artemis awoke to hear birds singing, and feel a soft presence clinging warmly to his side. He smiled calmly, and enjoyed the few moments of peace before his massive brain reminded him of what was going on.

But nothing came. Instead, he was filled with a warm happy feeling, and decided to enjoy it. Holly was stirring beside him, and when he looked at her, he finally remembered. Her ears were small and rounded, and her body had stretched to make her the exact same size as him. To any human she would look just like an average fifteen-year-old girl. Not to Artemis though. To Artemis, in her sleep she was the very picture of loveliness, hair shorter than his stuck to her face, her mouth slightly open revealing perfect white teeth, long eyelashes covering beautiful eyelids.

The eyelashes blinked open, and Holly rubbed her eyes. "Morning mud boy... why am I in your bed again? Last I remember... oh hell no." She looked down at herself, moaning deeply. "Noo... I'm human." She buried her head in the pillow. "Please leave now Artemis, I need to scream." She said. Artemis obliged, somewhat dazed at the way he had looked at Holly. He had never really seen that before. As he was leaving, Artemis thought he heard a sob.

Down in the parlour, Domovoi Butler and Juliet Butler were arguing about something, Juliet holding both twins. She had been appointed as guardian and nanny to the twins, following her graduation from Madame Ko's academy at age 21, making her the youngest female ever to receive the blue diamond tattoo.

"All I'm saying is... Oh hey Artemis!" Juliet smiled, putting down one of the twins to give him a one-armed hug. "Haven't seen you in awhile! How are things?"

"Fine." Artemis said meekly, standing perfectly still while being hugged. "I have a friend visiting, and she might need to borrow some of your clothes if it's okay."

Juliet nodded. "Of course! Who is it, your girlfriend?" She smiled teasingly.

Artemis jumped slightly, blushing. "Absolutely not! She's a... I mean... She's not the dating type." He looked away. Why had he almost said she was a fairy? Before this he had been able to keep her under cover no problems.

"Ohh, you like her." Juliet winked. Artemis was furious. He dragged at Butler's sleeve. "I need to speak to you. Privately." He lead Butler into another room and locked the door, sitting down and wiping his face.

"Problems?" Butler asked, smiling slightly.

"Several. For one, Holly is now apparently human. She drank with mud people." He sighed ad Butler's alarmed sound. "She's in my room, she wants to be alone. Another thing is..." He hesitated, wondering how to word his troubles. "I don't feel as smart as I used to. Just now, I woke up, and couldn't even remember what was wrong. Earlier, I was looking at a potentially vital riddle, and couldn't figure it out at all. And when I woke up..." He looked away, blushing.

Butler allowed a smile to creep onto his face. "You noticed Holly."

Artemis nodded. "Replace noticed with couldn't stop staring at, and you've got it." He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's so strange... We keep having the same dreams about saving each other, and... uh... Other stuff." He fiddled with his fingers. "I don't know what's going on."

"Well I'm not sure either, but you should talk to Foaly. See what he can do." Butler suggested, returning to the matter of Holly's newfound humanity.

"Yes, that sounds wise." Artemis muttered, turning to one of his computers to see if he could set up a link.

"Oh and Artemis?" Butler said sadly. "There's something in this newspaper I think you need to see. I know you liked her..." Butler handed Artemis a newspaper.

Artemis scanned the front page wordlessly, then dropped the paper. Facing the ceiling was a glaring article, featuring a picture of a bespectacled girl with blonde ringlets of hair.

**Murder in France!**

**Child prodigy Minerva Paradizo (15) was murdered late last night in an invasion of her father's mansion. The police have reason to believe that the raid was performed by one Jonah Lee (Alias Billy Kong) who was captured near the Paradizo mansion late last night. Lee is believed to be insane, continually screaming that Minerva owed him a demon. Continued on page fifteen.**

"She's dead..." Artemis whispered.

Butler nodded. "Juliet didn't want me to tell you. I told her you two were old friends." He sighed. "I'm sorry Artemis. She was a friend of mine too."

Artemis couldn't deal. He couldn't bear all these burdens in one go. He could have yesterday, but today his intellect seemed to have abandoned him, and it was all happening too fast. Wordlessly, he stood up and walked to his room, displaying no emotion whatsoever.

Holly apparently preferred her own room, because he could hear her sobbing through the bathroom. Collapsing on his bed, Artemis curled up into a ball, staring blankly across the room, until his eyes alit on a letter-opener his father had bought him from Spain. Artemis walked over to his desk, picking the knife up, and examining it's blade. He had once read that some people cut themselves to find release from the agonies of living. Maybe it worked. Rolling up his sleeve, he brought the blade across his upper arm, gasping with the thrill of the pain as a dribble of blood ran down his arm. Artemis practically felt the pain evaporating from his soul as he made another cut, and another. He had placed the blade on his arm for the fourth time, when his bathroom door opened and Holly's eyes fell upon him.

She shrieked and snatched the blade out of his hand, glaring at Artemis scandalisedly. "How could you even think of doing something so dumb?" Holly demanded, throwing the knife aside. Artemis couldn't help it. Something inside him had changed, and he started to cry, tears running silently down his face.

Holly was shocked. "Artemis? What happened?" She moved forwards and touched his bare shoulder, looking at Artemis concernedly.

Without speaking, he turned to cry on her shoulder, and Holly put her arms around him, a part of her mind thinking how strange it was for her to have her arms around his shoulders instead of his waist.

They stood together for a long time, Artemis crying softly on Holly's shoulder. When he stopped, Holly stepped back, hands on his shoulders.

"Feeling a bit better now mud boy?" She asked, both lightly and seriously at the same time.

Artemis nodded weakly. "I think so."

"Good. Now don't ever do anything that dumb again."

"I won't." Artemis looked up, seeing Holly's expression of concern. He attempted a small smile. "I just cracked. I think I'm okay now."

Holly nodded, smiling back at him. "Is Juliet around? I want to borrow some clothes." She gestured to her top that was almost burst at the seams and her once-baggy jeans that barely covered her knees.

Artemis nodded, trying not to laugh at the outfit. "I already asked her if you could borrow some clothes. She went to get some, I think."

Right at that moment, Juliet burst in, a baby in one arm and a pile of clothes in the other. "Okay, here are those clothes. Oh hey. You must be Artemis' friend. I'm Juliet. Butler's sister." She eyed Holly. "What did you do, shop at a children's shop or something?" She laughed, handing over the pile. "You can keep those. I'm too big for them now." Juliet looked like she would go on, but the child in her arms promptly started crying, and she had to leave to change a nappy.

Artemis smiled nervously. "Juliet doesn't remember you, of course. Oh, and that was one of the twins."

Holly was still staring, stunned at the spot where Juliet had been standing. "Wow... she's sped up a lot..."

Artemis nodded. "It's the isolation of looking after children. She craves human interaction." He eyed Holly and the clothes in her arms. "You should probably go change."

"Yeah." Holly nodded, snapping back to reality. "Don't do anything stupid." She warned, before returning to her room. Artemis resumed pondering over the riddle now that his mind felt clearer, though he looked up at the sound of grunts and yells from Holly's room. Seconds later, she stormed into his room, the fly of her trousers undone. "I need help. I really don't want to cut these clothes off." She frowned at her jeans, as though they had personally wronged her.

Artemis blushed. "Help... help you change?" It was a world first; Artemis had never stammered in his life. And here he was, acting like a gibbering idiot.

"Yeah! Just grab and yank. My underwear has elastic." She rolled her eyes. "Stop thinking dirty."

Artemis nodded, grasping a hold of the bottom of her trousers, finding it hard to get purchase, they were so tight around her knees.

"Ready? One...two...three!" Artemis pulled, Holly pushed, and the pants came off.

Holly stood there in conservative black underwear, which thankfully still fitted.

"Thanks. I think I can get the top off myself." She smiled, picking up her pants and running back to her room. Artemis sat back down, wondering faintly what exactly happened.

000

That afternoon Artemis was sitting in the garden, poring over the riddle, when Holly sat down next to him. She was wearing simple black pants and a light green tank top with flowers on.

"You know, I can't ever imagine Juliet wearing anything this girly." She said, smiling at Artemis.

"You didn't know her when she was fifteen. She went through a feminine phase where she was totally against violence and anything that wasn't pink or flowery. Naturally, it didn't last long." He smiled back, putting the book down.

"What're you reading?" Holly asked, picking it up. She eyed the prophecy, reading it through a couple of times. "Hey... What's this?"

"That's what I was trying to figure out. It makes no sense to me at all. Beginning of a new era? It's strange."

Holly blinked. "Oh yeah! We studied this in Book Studies when I was a child. It should be coming true this year, though I can't remember what it's about. Something to do with interspecies cooperation." She shrugged. "I'll probably remember soon enough."

Artemis nodded. "Try your hardest."

"So you're feeling better?"

"Yeah. Just... dumb."

"Huh?"

"I don't know what's going on, but I don't feel as smart anymore. You know I know it's stupid to self-harm, but..."

Holly nodded. "That is wierd. We should talk to Foaly."

000

"Hey guys! What's happening?" Foaly smiled, then stopped, getting a visual of Holly. He whistled. "Oh dear... What's happened?"

Holly sighed. "We went drinking. Which, upon reflection, seems pretty stupid."

Foaly nodded. "I'm gonna have to do some research before I can find a cure. Anything else, while you're at it?"

Artemis nodded. "I appear to be losing my intelligence. Or something like that."

Foaly almost laughed. "That's easy. The magic is taking up your system, along with puberty. No more room in that big head for knowledge, so it gets shoved into corners and forgotten. The only cure I know of is giving up the magic."

"No. There has to be another way." Artemis frowned. "I'll find something. And I also wanted some information, if possible."

"Sure thing. What can I do for you?"

"I need to know everything you have about the prophecy of MMVII. Can you send it to me?"

"No problem. I'll e-mail you a file. But now I'm afraid I have to go. I have a date." He smiled. "Catch you two later." Foaly winked at Artemis, then closed the connection.

Artemis sighed. "It's getting late. We should get to bed. Preferably seperate this time."

Holly smirked at him teasingly. "But didn't you like waking up next to me?"

"It was somewhat confusing at first. Since I had a hangover, I thought I might have done something and then forgotten it."

"Well if you did, I did too." Holly smiled. "As far as I know we just fell asleep together." She yawned. "Whoo... Bed for me." Holly kissed Artemis on the cheek without thinking about it. "Goodnight." She blushed slightly, and left.

Artemis touched his cheek, having missed Holly's goodnight entirely. He snapped back to reality when Butler came in doing his regular before bed sweep of the premises. Shutting down the computer they had used, he went tiredly up to bed, and lay awake for a long time thinking.

A/N: Okay, that was long. I got stuck a lot, then poured most of this out in a day. Think from my brief cameo right to the end. And I have GLASSES NOW! WEEEE!

Anyway, happy halloween, I'll see you whenever I happen to see you next. Hopefully before too long and I lose all my readers... DON'T GO! NUUUUU! XD

Review, people! Longest chapter I ever wrote! And kisses to all 70 reviews I have at this point! LOVE you ALL! Let's see if I actually get to 100:O


	6. Dreamin' 3

A/N: I know, I know, it's November and I'm a bad widdwe girl. But I spent all day reading 'The Aztec Incident' By AgiVega. LOVE it. Best.A/H.Fic.Ever. It read just like another AF book... :heaps continual love onto AgiVega:

Sooo... Why am I here instead of working on my awesome novel? Well, I read this huge long fanfic right? And then all I could think of was Artemis Fowl. Seriously - I was RPing Harry Potter with one of my friends and kept making Harry act like Artemis - and the Harry in our story is really dumb. I even accidentally typed 'Artemis' once, before correcting myself. I couldn't write my NaNoWriMo all day because my head was filled with Artemis Fowl (which is bad, because I'm like 3000 words behind, not going on again until it's over!) and so now, I have turned to a SHORT update of this. Tomorrow I'll probably start reading the sequel to Aztec Incident... NO! BAAAD TOMO! SHOULD BE WRITING NOVEL! GRAAARGH!

Reviews. Once again, too many to answer all, so just ones that stand out.

Fiona: No, my glasses are SO better than Brendan's. Actually no. Strike that. Mine are horrible and make me look like I'm 24. I wanna steal Brendan's glasses. Damn. Pssh, and it's pretty obvious Jamie likes you. Even if you hate him (And I can't blame you!) Heh I didn't check my reviews until like... today, so I kinda knew you weren't there. See ya in two days, hopefully.

Annie-Morphs: You just deserve props for writing such an awesomely long review:hearts:

AgiVega: As stated above, I LOVE your writing! XD :fangirls wildly:

hollybridgetpeppermint: Duh I wanna join! Minerva is... EEEEEEEEVIL! Who knew a published author was capable of writing such a Mary-Sue? Heh and yes, I'm totally into pixel art, so I'll pixel some awesome IHMC stuff, just 'cause. I would have liked to write her death more bloodily and in more gory horrible maniacal sadistic detail, but I figured I'll save that for another fic. :3 Oh, and I officially deem you awesome. Just 'cause. :gives shiny badge of awesomeness:

Also, Props go to: _ckontowderdon32, Summerset, RiverWren, Devoted99, MONKIY, Tigster5, TeeHee, InuSinkes, _and_ xSimplyxMagical, _just for reviewing. YOU ALL RULE!

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Dreamin' 3 **(Don't you hate me for doing alternating chapters like this:P)

Artemis Fowl the second was not sleeping well. Not well at all. In fact, he was thrashing in his bed, face screwed up in an expression of deep concentration. There was no dream this time. There was only pain. Pain and loss. Something was gone... something important. Something Artemis couldn't do without. And he needed it back. It was getting further and further, escaping into the black nothingness of time, when Artemis sat up in bed, panting and shaking. It took him about two seconds to realise that something was in his bed that shouldn't be. Or some_one_ who shouldn't be.

"Holly?" He whispered, nudging the presence next to him.

Holly groaned, rolling over and peeling open tired eyes. She squealed when she saw him, and whispered; "_Artemis? _What the hell are you doing here?"

"This is my room, and you are in my bed."

"Oh... Uh... I must have sleepwalked. Sorry, Artemis."

"No problem." He shrugged absently. "I must admit, you're nice to wake up looking at."

Holly smiled, pinching his cheek playfully. "You're not so bad yourself, Mud Boy."

There was a moment. One of those moments where eyes lock and the air fills with static. Faces draw closer together, and...

Domovoi Butler busts into the room, Sig Sauer drawn.

Artemis sighed, looking away from Holly, blushing slightly. "What is it, Butler?"

"Sorry Artemis... I heard voices. I see now that it was just you two molesting each other." He winked at Artemis, departing and closing the door. Artemis and Holly were both blushing now, heads turned away from each other.

Holly broke the awkward silence, where both were realising what they had almost done. "I guess I'll go back to bed then." She said in a shaky voice.

"I don't mind if... if you want to stay..." Artemis said, voice equally shaky.

Holly turned around to look at him. Shakyness gone. "Really?"

"Sure." Artemis turned to smile shyly. "There isn't anyone I'd rather wake up facing."

Holly returned the smile. "Then I'll stay. But not because of you, Mud Boy. The air out there is freezing, and your bed is warm."

Artemis smirked slightly. "Or maybe it's just my charming personality that keeps you here."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. You, charming? Sure, and I'm a three-year-old Mud Boy."

"Well, what do you like about me then? What about me is so amazingly attractive that you can't seem to stay away?"

Holly blushed slightly, glaring at Artemis. "Well, you're so good at helping save the world, and I must admit good looking, and... and..." Holly drew a blank.

Artemis smirked. "Annoying as hell?"

"Yeah, that too."

"And yet you still opted to spend a whole week with me, out of your own free will. I wonder why...?" He pretended to think about it. "Maybeee... you like me?"

"What?!" Holly blinked, blushing furiously. "You're only fifteen!"

"Eighteen." Artemis corrected. "Legally, I'm eighteen."

"Since when do you follow the law."

"True." Artemis mused.

Holly was just glad that the subject had apparently moved on from his accusations. "Technically, you are only fifteen. Still a little Mud-Boy with a snotty nose and scabby knees." She giggled, picturing Artemis as a toddler with scraped knees and snot running from his nose.

"WHAT?!?" Artemis exclaimed. "I assure you, I was never snot nosed as a child. A fowl must uphold his dignity at all times."

"Even during nappy change? Yes, I'm sure you had your head held high as you had your nappy and Armani baby suit changed. A smelly little baby in designer suits already, reading while still in nappies. How adorable."

"None of that is true, except for the reading in nappies part. I always wore pullups as a child; far less fuss, and I could change them by the time I was a year old.

Holly smirked, her eyes glinting wickedly. "And I assume you could also dismantle a hard drive by then?"

"Naturally. And I knew over 100 digits of pi, and my ABCs in three different languages." He said sarcastically. "Of course not, but I could speak fluently, and read at an 8th grade level." ((A/N: I assume that's good - no grades here. I have no idea how it works in the rest of the world.))

"Of course." She sighed. "How could I forget. Wonder kid doesn't know everything."

"If I had, then I would have found you a long time ago."

"Really. Or maybe you wouldn't have been so heartless as to kidnap an innocent powerless fairy girl."

"I mightn't have." Artemis conceeded. "But do you really think it was so bad?"

"No, I have to admit, you've definitely proven yourself an asset to the People."

"That's good. Always nice to know you're wanted."

Holly smiled. Artemis smiled back. And they both fell asleep, becoming entangled in each other's arms before long.

000

A few hours later, Holly was dreaming, although Artemis wasn't having dreams, for some reason.

((WARNING: This dream is pretty dang raunchy. I'd suggest averting your eyes if you are young/innocent/easily offended. Although I don't officially write any sex, it's pretty damn obvious.))

_"Oh YES!" I cried, falling back onto the bed, panting and sweating. Artemis was lying beside me in a similar exhausted state, both of us stark naked._

_"Wow." He breathed softly, hair plastered to his face in a way I couldn't help but find adorable. _

_"Wow." I agreed, running my hand through my hair. "That was..."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, it was pretty wow." I smiled softly to my lover, rolling over to face him._

_He turned to face me. "So, sweetheart, how does it feel to be Holly Fowl?"_

_"Wonderful." I breathed. "And it's Holly Short-Fowl, I'm not going to drop the noble name of Short." I smiled, tweaking his nose. He responded by playfully biting my finger, then licking it all over. _

_Squirming slightly, I wondered how he could make such a simple and random thing so unbelievably sensual. After he was done licking, kissing, and nibbling my finger, he trailed kisses up my arm, and towards my face. How lips connected with mine, _and I awoke to hear birds chirping, and see sunlight streaming through Artemis' window.

A/N: I am so awesome. I wrote a whole mini-chapter with no point except to be fluffy and adorable. PH34R my awesome. And now one of my friends is asking if I was crying because of "Dylan" and I want to know who this Dylan is. So byebye.

MY 100th REVIEWER WILL GET A ONESHOT WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR THEM, ABOUT WHATEVER THEY WANT (provided I know the fandom reasonably well), WITH WHATEVER PAIRING THEY WANT (even if I hate it) SO REVIEW! THIS OFFER STANDS UNTIL I GET A REVIEW #100. EVEN IF IT'S NOT UNTIL CHAPTER 772560871785. If there are that many. ;)

(No, I'm not bribing you. I've never had so many reviews for one story before, and I really wanna say thank you to at least one person. I love you all. :blows kisses to her reviewers:)


	7. Building Up and Crashing Down

A/N: Anyone who read my most recent oneshot will know that I've been madly depressed lately, and the world is fucked up ect. and I'm really depressed and lots of other emo-sounding shit. Yo. But right now I've been watching Dr. Who all weekend, and the internet won't work and I hate my novel (only 10k ;.;) and everything is shit and my brother won't shut up for TWO FUCKING MINUTES! And so I need fanfiction badly.

Reviewness (The winner of my contest was Yami Marik! Yaaaaaay! Hit me up with what you want!)

xX-Fiona-Xx: Aww :( :hugs:

ckontowderdon32: Yeah, probably. This is NOT THE LAST CHAPTER! WAHAHA

Shannon: I e-mailed you!

RiverWren: Haha, apparently it didn't happen though... Odd.

A Cup Of Earl Grey: NEVERRRR! Sorry, but I just don't like AJ. I only ship AH and a little bit of AB. AJ seems disturbing to me. Haha.

Yami Marik: You were review 100! Please contact me to let me know what you want me to write:D

hollybridgetpeppermint:starts stalking your website looking for a link to the IHMC: Cookies:plays with cookies like a cat:...:breaks cookies: damn, that doesn't work. Ohh, and I did write one! Just check my list of written stories thingehmawhatsit.

Also, love to: _Summerset, AgiVega, devoted99, Marik, Bill's Buster, CNNFAN, Hiscefit, BaKura's death, xSimplyxMagicalx, MONKIY, InuSinkes, _and_ .:LEP:._

WARNING: From here on in, this will be a stronger teen, rather than a weaker one. Before you stop reading :eyes hollybridgetpeppermint: I'll keep it as clean as I can, but shit (also, forgive my language. I'm fucking tired of being all nicey nicey and not swearing.) gets a lot worse from here on out. I'll tell you when you can close your eyes.

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Building Up and Crashing Down (Yay! Extralong chapter! Woooo!)**

_Part one - Building Up (The very beginning of Building Up is a bit dodge... implied wet dream ; and yeah, my continuity sucks, but let's just say that Holly fell back asleep after the end of last chapter, because it was too early.) _

Artemis opened his eyes to the most lovely sight in his eyes; Holly Short was moaning and whimpering something quietly in her sleep, her face a mix of pleasure and desperation.

"Please Artemis... I need itttt..." She mumbled, before a longer moan. Artemis, though blushing furiously, saw no need to wake her from her... pleasant dream. Instead, without thinking, his arms tightened around her and she nuzzled against him. Artemis Fowl, the now-normal teen boy had to supress a strangled moan when a part of the once elf brushed up against a more sensitive part of his anatomy.

"Holly! What?" He gasped, trying to scoot away, but Holly pulled him closer. Artemis was bright red; he didn't want to become involved with one of her wet dreams.

"Aaaartemis." She sighed happily. Artemis shook her shoulder awkwardly. He didn't want things to be even worse with their frayed friendship, not to mention that he was getting more aroused by the second.

Luckily for him, Holly's eyes flickered open, though she didn't seem to register that she wasn't dreaming. "Mmmm Artemis." She smiled seductively, looping her arms around his neck. "You're so talented for a little boy."

Artemis, driven by hormones rather than brains, was tempted to play along for a second, but then the reasonable side of him pushed Holly away coldly. "I don't know what you're talking about, Captain Short, but please keep me out of your lewd fantasies."

Holly blushed, sitting upright in a hurry. "Oh gods Artemis, I'm so sorry! I was just dreaming, and then... Uh..." She blushed.

Artemis eyed her. Nothing needed to be said.

The one time they needed Butler to break the awkwardness he appeared to have decided to leave them to it.

"So... uh... 'm I still nice to wake up to?" Holly smiled sheepishly, straightening her hair somewhat nervously.

Artemis was equally nervous, sitting up to match her, looking pointedly away. "Uh... yeah... But could you maybe cover up?"

Holly blinked, looking down. Her pyjamas were too large for her (she had borrowed them from Artemis) and had come partly undone in the night, almost completely exposing one breast.

Flushing as red as Root, Holly buttoned them back up, then pulled Artemis around to face her again, the look of a minx on her face. "Now tell me you didn't look."

"I... uh... Holly..." Artemis was almost as red as she was, and Holly smirked, work done.

She tickled his neck playfully. "C'mon, time for breakfast. We can't both be late again. It'll look suspicious."

"Holly... actually... I asked Butler to pack a picnic for us. It's too crowded here, and it'll be nice to get away for awhile."

"I guess." Holly smiled shyly. "Are we being escorted?"

"No, I think Butler trusts us to behave. Either that or he got the impression that we were living out your dreams." He said snidely, but there was a smile on his face, and Holly smiled back.

"Clearly he doesn't know me well enough. Never kiss on the first date."

"But wouldn't that have been three years ago?"

"Hmm, true." Holly nodded, mismatched eyes twinkling.

An impulsive part of Artemis that he had never known before took over. "So do I get a kiss or what?"

Holly eyed him like he were crazy, but decided to play along. "Maybe later..." She smiled impishly, slipping out of the bed. "Right now I'm going to get dressed. In something that doesn't smell like boy's deodorant." And with that eloquent remark, Holly left.

000

"Are you two ready?" Butler smiled. Holly looked lovely in a green form-fitting summer dress with faded flowers all over it. It had been Angeline's when she was younger, and now she had insister that Holly keep it, since it suited her so beautifully.

"I'm ready if you are." Holly smiled to Artemis, extending an arm, which he linked with his. Butler smiled sadly, thinking that they made such a perfect couple.

"Ready as ever." Artemis smiled.

Butler handed them the picnic basket, and smiled. "Just ring me when you want to be picked up, Artemis. I'll be waiting. Don't stay out too late, I'll come looking if you haven't called by noon."

"Sure Butler, we'll be good." Artemis smiled. "Trust me, we'll be fine.

And so Butler drove off, leaving Artemis and Holly in a beautiful little picnic grove, with nothing but each other and a basket full of food for the entire morning.

Holly blushed slightly... this was bizarrely more awkward than waking up from a wet dream beside him. "So uh... wanna eat now or do something else?"

"Um... eating sounds good, I guess." Artemis nodded, taking a look in the basket.

Holly grabbed herself an apple, tossing it up in the air and catching it. "I can't believe how sweet the air is up here." She remarked. "Even though our air in Haven is completely cleared from all toxins and pollutants, it just tastes bland, whereas your smoke-filled surface air is the sweetest I've ever tasted."

"It's nature. The plants and sunlight add their own elements to the air."

"I guess so." Holly mused. At least the ice was somewhat broken.

"So uh..." Artemis felt the hormones coming on again. Holly really did look lovely in that dress. "This morning..." He trailed off, leaving only a few doubts in Holly's mind as to what he meant. But she decided to check.

"This morning?"

"You uh... said something about kissing." Artemis was deep scarlet.

Holly, who had no idea what had gotten her into this mood, smirked seductively. "That's right. And I believe this would count as a second date, if the picnic two days ago was a first..." She eyed him, plainly waiting for Artemis to make the next move. His face was bright red, and Holly decided to add a pout. "Or don't you like me?"

"No! No... I just... um... well..."

"I know how you feel Artemis." Holly dropped the act, touching his face softly. "Because I feel it too." She said in little more than a whisper, slowly pulling her face to his.

Lips finally met in a kiss that was totally innocent and sweet, and only lasted a second. Artemis couldn't help noticing how soft and firm Holly's lips were. She smiled at him innocently, and he felt that he could drown in that smile; sweet and innocent, yet indulgent, saying 'come get it!'

Unable to help themselves, they kissed again, deeper and more passionate this time. Artemis ran his hands gently over Holly's back, feeling the contours of her body, memorising every dip and every curve.

This was about the moment that things started to go wrong.

_Part two - Crashing Down_

Holly and Artemis pulled apart, surveying each other's faces, suddenly at a loss for what should happen next. Holly opened her mouth to say something, but instead a lone blue spark travelled out of it lazily. Artemis blinked, and would have said something, but the next moment he felt like his head had been split in half, and passed out.

"Artemis?" Holly asked, shaking him. It was right about then that her body exploded in blue sparks; they were coursing out of the ground into her every pore. Mouth open in a silent scream, Holly began to change. She was shrinking, though not as much as before... and... her ears weren't changing... what was going on? Before she could even start to think about it though, Holly passed out.

000

Artemis was dreaming again, it was as though the dreams had just been waiting for this.

_I was standing in a small bleak room, she was in front of me. She was different, not quite human, not quite elf, but somewhere in between._

_"Thank you for freeing me. You are a true hero." She beamed up at me, eyes brimming with gratitude and honesty and... love?_

_"And in return, I have returned what is rightfully yours." She continued._

_"Thank you, I guess." I replied, surveying her carefully. What was rightfully mine?_

_She laughed lightly. "You have no need to guess anymore. What is 397x128?"_

_"50816." I answered without thinking, then... "Hey! I'm intelligent again!"_

_"Yes." She smiled joyfully. "But I have to warn you; with this new title comes great burden. There are those who would do you harm."_

_"New title?"_

_"Why, the first inter-species couple, of course!" She smiled, and this time the dream ended without a kiss._

"Holly!" Artemis gasped, suddenly returning to conciousness.

000

Holly, too, was having a dream, but it was somewhat different. ((Holly has a dirty mind. Be warned. BE WARNED!))

_He was straddling me ever so gently, pinning my hands above my head with one hand, and gently massaging my shoulder with the other. As boring as that may sound, for some reason he managed to make it unbelievably erotic._

_"Holly..." He whispered. _

_"Yes?"_

_"Thank you so much. You gave it back to me."_

_"I did?" I blinked, eying him curiously._

_"You did. And in return, I gave something to you."_

_"What?"_

_"This." He said, trailing gentle kisses down my chest, leaving little blue tingles behind._

Holly woke up when she heard her name called, sitting up groggily. "Wha?"

"Huh?" Artemis blinked, asessing the situation. "Are you okay Holly?" He eyed her. She seemed shorter, and her ears were pointier, though she still looked slightly human.

"I think so." She ran her hands over her ears. "What happened?"

"'Sealed feelings with a kiss...'" He murmered. "That's it!"

"What is?"

"The prophecy of MMVII! It was about us!"

"Huh?"

"We were both losing something, but somehow it came back!" He laughed. "That's it! Beginning of a new era... interspecies cooperation!"

"What are you talking about Artemis?"

"Look at this." He took one of his copies of the fairy book out of his pocket, opening it to the part about MMVII. "See? It's us!"

"Oh yeah!" Holly blinked. "Now I remember! It was said that uh..." She blushed. "MMVII was about a fairy who would fall in love with a mud man..." Blushing from both sides now. "And they would both lose their powers, but when they admitted their feelings and kissed, a new world of cooperation would be born."

"So it's complete?"

"Not yet... uh... We have to actually say... you know..."

"Okay." Artemis nodded. "Holly I... well... During our recent adventures together and even more so your stay here, I have developed feelings of a romantic nature towards you."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Glad to see this hasn't made you mushy in any way."

"Your turn then." Artemis eyed her.

"Okay, Artemis I... LOOK OUT!" Holly yelled, grabbing the front of Artemis' shirt and dragging him to the ground, just in time to avoid... the swipe of a troll?

"What the hell is that doing here?" Holly swore, dragging Artemis away towards the forest.

"I have no idea, but we have to get away!" Artemis exclaimed, beginning his clumsy run.

Holly rolled her eyes. "D'Arvit, Artemis, it'd almost be faster if I carried you!" They had reached the forest now, and Holly was practically dragging Artemis by his hand. They kept to the edge of the forest, the troll not far behind, in the desperate hope of finding help.

000

A 14 year old girl on holiday in Ireland was taking a stroll in the forest, enjoying the tranquility that was the Irish green, when two people looking not much older than her dashed past and knocked her into a bush, followed by a huge, lumbering smelly... thing that appeared to have it's heart set on eating the other two. As they ran away somewhat slowly, she heard the girl yelling: "Hurry, Artemis!"

"Holy shit!" She exclaimed. "The books were real!"

But, before she had time to run and tell the world, there was a strange smell, and she passed out.

000

A/N: Dun Dun DUNNNNNNN! Don't worry, this new person is not going to be mary-sue who saves the day/steals Artemis' heart/is a damsel in distress, she's just someone who happened to be there. She won't play a major part. I was inspired by something someonecoughFionacough said at scouts.

PLEASE REVIEW! XD


	8. A Chapter That I Wrote To Fill In Time

A/N: Hellloooooo! Tomo should be studying!

A'ight, I have a MAJOR exam in 3 weeks (eek!) So this is really really honestly truly the last you'll hear from me for awhile. Just a small chapterette, to keep things moving. Sadly, if I fail this exam I won't have time to update. Like, at all. Regrettably, if I fail, I have to stop homeschooling (NOO) and I won't have time for fanfiction, dolling, -and- High School. My life is SUCH a bitch.

Reviewers rock. Non-reviewers don't get any public loves. So neugh.

Annie-morphs: Wow! Two long reviews! Eeee! And if you thought that was a cliffy, just wait for the end of this chapter! I wouldn't protest to nuclear threats because right now, I feel evil. So very very evil.

xX-Fiona-Xx: "And I better be in this chapter!" I know you meant a review response, but... I couldn't resist. Sorry for not asking for permish first. I feel so evil.

RiverWren: Direct smut? LOL... I may have a dirty mind, but "direct smut" is something that just seems stupid if it's not from experience, and I sadly have no experience. Aww.

Also, big smelly hugs to _ckontowderdon32, AgiVega, devoted99, xSimplyxMagicalx, tigster5, _and the eternally cool hollybridgetpeppermint!

And special thanks to xX-Fiona-Xx, because I temporarily stole her.

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - A Chapter That I Wrote To Fill In Time.**

Fiona awoke where she was bound, blindfolded, and gagged in a room, her hands tied to those of two other people. She tried to remember where she was - had she been chloroformed? What the hell had happened while she had been unconscious? Anything could have happened! Worried, she began twisting her hands desperately to try and get away. All it resulted in was surprised noises from the owners of the other hands. Confused, she stopped moving. There was a muffled noise from her left that sounded like someone saying, "Artemis!" This was replied with a clear, "Holly?" From her other side - clearly this person wasn't gagged, or if he (_'Yes'_ Fiona thought. _'Definitely a he.'_) had been, he had managed to remove it.

"Mmmmph!" Fiona protested, making her presence known to the other two.

"Who are you?" Artemis asked, sounding shocked by her being there.

"Fmomuh." She managed to mumble. She could almost feel him eyeing her.

"What are you doing here? You don't have anything to do with this!"

Fiona tried to say "If I did, would I be tied up like this?" but it came out as "Iph I bib, boo bi be hied uck yike ish?"

"Oh for Haven's sakes." Artemis sighed, manipulating the threesome of hands so that Fiona could remove her gag and blindfold.

"Yuck!" She exclaimed, casting her eyed around. They were in a dank dungeon, all tied together in an impossible tangle. The boy, who she assumed was Artemis, was eyeing her in a quizzical yet elegant way. The other person, Holly, was still blindfolded and gagged, and looked none too happy about this.

"Umoo me!" She demanded, and Artemis carefully moved the hands to remove her blindfold. When he came to her gag though he froze.

"I can't get the gag off." He apologised. "It's made of metal."

"'uckin grae." She sighed, glaring at him. "Ceebes dey don't wamp de pohehe phuhiled."

Artemis nodded. "Which makes fulfilling it our priority."

"Hoo see?"

"I'm Fiona!" Fiona piped up, smiling automatically. "Who are you?"

"Time for that later." Artemis pressed on. "We need a plan."

"Wyy ah oo eah?"

"I was kidnapped!" Fiona replied.

Artemis was frowning. "We need to figure a way out of this, pleasantries can wait."

"But what can we do? We're tied together!"

"There's always something. Can you see anything we could use to cut these ropes?"

"I ahe a mife om mi eckace." Holly piped up.

Artemis sighed. "I'll get it."

Fiona could see that Holly was blushing. Her memories having returned to her, her AH shipper's heart almost made her squeal. Artemis' hand near Holly's boobies... awesome. Maybe if she just nudged him a little...

Fiona's plan was a sucess... of sorts. Artemis reached for the just-visible knife, fingers an inch from grabbing it, when Fiona nudged his hand slightly, causing it to slip onto Holly's bare breast. (Under her shirt, fyi) There was a moment where they both just blushed, then Holly took control of the bundle of hands, and slapped Artemis.

"You can perve on me another time Artemis, we have bigger things to do!"

Artemis nodded, not even protesting, and grabbed the small pocket knife. However, when he flipped out the blade...

There was nothing there. In it's place was a blunt block of metal with the words 'Yeah Right.' engraved on it. He sighed. "No good."

"Vohe bahahs! Vey hook mi ife!"

"I didn't think anyone clever enough to kidnap us would forget something like that."

"So what do we dooo?" Fiona wailed.

"I don't know! Be quiet, let me think!"

000

Half an hour later, Many more words had been exchanged, and now the three were all tussling on the floor. Holly and Fiona were both fighting viciously, with Artemis putting up weak complaints.

"Well well, seems I can't leave you three alone together for even half an hour." Said a sinister voice. None of them had even noticed the door open, flooding the dark room with light, and a pixie enter.

She had dark hair and a sharp pointed face, with clicking black high heels, a sensible updo, square glasses and, oddly enough, was wearing a dirty LEP jumpsuit, totally at odds with the rest of her clean, crisp exterior.

"Well well well. _The_ Artemis Fowl. _The _Holly Short. And... Who is that? I specifically said to kill any witnesses!"

"Sorry madame, but we had other problems. The troll was getting dangerously close to settlements. I know you don't want us exposed just yet." Another voice, somewhere beyond the door. The woman with the LEP suit and glasses nodded, clicking her fingers. A male sprite in a mask flew in, passing her a tray holding five glasses of wine.

"I believe a toast to all our hard work is in order." She clacked across the floor to her prisoners and set the tray on the floor, kneeling down next to them. She smiled an evil smile. "I will allow you three to share a drink with my partner and I, to celebrate our stopping of the prophecy." She pulled out a pen knife and cut a few ropes around their hands, allowing each person use of their own two limbs. "You may each choose your own glasses, to prove to you that it is not my intention to poison or drug you." She smiled, somehow seeming to lock eyes with each of the unlikely trio at once.

Holly shrugged, taking a glass. "I ankh ink wih dih om." She said innocently, gesturing to the gag.

The mysterious pixie laughed. "Oh, I'm not that stupid. There is a small hole for air. You'll manage." She smiled to the other two. "Come on now, take a glass of wine. I won't tell your parents..."

Artemis glared at her, taking a glass carefully. Fiona grabbed one as well. The pixie, smiling gracefully, stood back up with the tray, looking back towards the door. "Come on in now hun, it's time for these three to meet the brains behind this operation.

There was an all too familiar clicking of hooves, a terrifyingly memorable whinny of a laugh, and Artemis' face filled with terror.

"Foaly..." He breathed.

A/N: AAAAAAAAAH! WTF DOODS! FOALY IS LIKE EVIL! OMG NO WAI! WAAAH!

I am so evil. Giving y'all a cliffie like that, then going away for an unknowable amount of time. and OMGGGGG I LYKE WONT UPD8 IF I DNT GET LYKE, 1000000000 REVIEWZ! OMG!

Well not really. But please review, it makes me want desperately to find the time to update, even if it means I don't get a shower that day. Tell me what you think of my attempt to insert someone I know into a fanfic. Without :cough: asking her permission :cough:


	9. And Now, To Ease The Cliffhanger

A/N: Well, I suspect I'll be awhile writing this, since I never get the computer! Right now it's 1:19 AM, and everyone but me is asleep. Mum almost burned down the house earlier, and I can't sleep... I'm just not tired. Lately I've been kinda spaz and paranoid... I keep feeling like I'm being stalked, and any random little thing will terrify me... Starting to worry I need a therapist or something, maybe a parapsychologist - I can't stop thinking that there's a ghostish presence stalking me. OK LET'S STOP SOUNDING LIKE A NUTJOB NOW!

Review-O-Clock!

Fiona: YES YOU ARE! Hey your idea? LOL... you mean my idea to be your idea. Hahaha. See ya tomorrow at scoutage! Woot! (edit: well... that was last week at scouts, but eh.)

devoted99: Innocence. Hehehehe... oh I just felt randomly evil and started picturing evil Foaly, and couldn't resist. He has a motive, trust me. Besides, you have to admit that to a certain extent, it fits his personality type... kinda... wow, I really sound like a psychologist's daughter now huh?

prometheus246: Ah, but hyperactive author notes are FUN! And some people seem to find me funny... Which I find funny... because I'm a loser...but seriously I'm to chicken to kill myself, I tried. Twice. (Thrice? Can't remember. Fucked up childhood.) So nah, I'm just a psycho. A POSEREMO psycho! (I totally pretend I'm so emo. And it's hot. You know you love it. Yes, I am laughing as I type. What a nerd I am.)

Shadow Dragon of Death: As I said, I'm going to avoid the twins and wait to see what Eoin makes them like (Since I don't wanna look like a total retard when the next books come out.) As for your other questions, Juliet -may- show up later, I'm not sure yet. And yes, Minerva is very much a Mary-Sue... And I hate Mary-Sues. God damn Colfer.

Rachelbuntaro: Better than the LC cliffhanger? LMAO

TeeHee: Woah! Three reviews! And also, the answers to your questions are here. I tried not to be cliché by using Opal as the villain. She's too generic. Heh.

And sprays of my nice smelling Cool Charm of happiness to _Xx Artemis Rox mi Sox xX, Yami Marik, TehMediator2, Hello, crazygirliecaptain, tigster5, scrivania, xSimplyxMagical, tld, MONKIY, RandyFan, ckontowderdon32, YounamemeArika _and_ Abby_

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - And Now, To Ease The Cliffhanger.**

"Yes, it's me. Surprised?" Foaly smirked. "You've both played right into my hands - you didn't even notice that Butler was mesmerised when he suggested the picnic - new technique I've been working on." He inspected his fingernails, a superior look plastered all over his face.

"Why are you doing this? I thought you were our friend!" Artemis cried. A genius he may have been, but all the emotions of puberty were still alive and well.

"Friend, schmiend. You never appreciated me. I was just the pony in the box, pushing buttons and making gadgets. Madame Garnet appreciates me for my talents, considerable as they are."

"Madame Garnet?" Fiona asked, as if she had always been part of the story.

"Oh, forgive me for not introducing her! This is Garnet Leaf, a senior partner in Leaf Technology Inc. I've been working there part-time for awhile, working with their techies and Book experts on this one prophecy. And we know that it can't be fulfilled."

"Wai oht?" Holly asked around her gag, glaring at Foaly as if he had betrayed her trust. Which he had, so it was inevitable.

"There are certain undesirable consequences for both worlds. We want to prevent those. Because the moment you say those... faintly disturbing, yet predictable words, Holly, humans will discover the People."

Holly forgot to protest. Her mouth was hanging open around the gag.

"Luckily, it will be handled well," Foaly continued. "but we will lose all our underground facilities, and the assistance of people like me to keep us hidden will no longer be necessary. Hundreds of skilled workers will lose their jobs. Likewise, human technologists are years behind us. They will all be useless as well, with the arrival of the new fairy technology."

"So you're doing this to protect yourself!" Artemis yelled.

"Not just myself. Please don't fret Arty boy, but you too would be affected... frankly, your intellect doesn't even begin to match up. You'll lose your famed 'high' IQ."

"I don't care! From what you've said, all you're doing is trying to keep the planet separated. If we go ahead, there will finally be peace! If not, then humans could find out another way, and ruin everything!"

"I'm protecting us. Our science can keep us hidden until it's safe to reveal ourselves. Not in the middle of bloody world war three!" Foaly cried, tossing his wine glass in Artemis' general direction, watching it smash into a thousand razor-sharp shards. Then he turned on his hoof and left, Garnet following him.

A short human boy, with black hair curling softly around his ears like Steven's (only Fiona will get this reference... he looks like Steven, only hotter. A squillion and three times hotter. :says nothing about how this compares to whatever degree of hotness Steven may or may not have: Let's just say this guy is hot and leave it there.) entered the room. Fiona assumed that he was a guard, because he looked around quickly, before closing the door.

Fiona sighed, turning back to her fellow captors. "So, Artemis, you're the genius. What do we do?"

"Hohe..." Holly mumbled. "I cankh bewee ih wah Fohee."

Artemis nodded. "We need a plan. It obviously won't work if you say it around the gag, Holly, Foaly will have checked. So our first order of business is to get that thing off you."

"Why do we need to?" Fiona asked, not caught up in the most recent plot. "What's the big deal with her saying something."

"That." Artemis stated, blushing slightly. "Is none of your business, obnoxious person. So. I'll try to find a weak spot where it can be broken."

Fiona glared at Artemis and bit back a comeback. Arguing was not what they needed now. Holly nodded and allowed Artemis to clumsily check her gag over, knocking painfully on it occasionally.

"I can't find anything we could break." Artemis sighed apologetically. "We really need to find enemies with lower IQs. All this constant outsmarting makes my head ache."

A/N: omg, I feel like I'm cheating you ending it there. Such a stupidly short chapter. I feel so mean. But that was such a cool line, I can't help it. Besides, it's 12 thirty AM and out of the past 3 and a bit days I've had eight hours sleep. I feel awesome.

OMG REVIEW OR I'LL SHOVE COTTON CANDY DOWN YOUR UNDERPANTS!


	10. Hyper Tomos

HIIIIIIIIIIII! My homeschool exam is in 4 days as I type this! I should be studying. Totally. Oh well. EVER ONWARDS AND UPWARDS AND UP ARTEMIS' AR... no wait.

So yeah, right now I'm high on Tic-Tacs, and last night I had a really weird dream where I was at the pool with someone from my dance class and a fat chick in a fluro pink wetsuit divebombed me and then I was at Brendan's (yes, that Brendan Fiona.) house only he lived in a tree and there was that guy who looks like Steven only hotter (from this story) and he was writing a story about motorcycles and I thought it was adorable and then Brendan and I played computer games and I went to my dad's house but there was a bomb so I hid in a toilet with Holly (Short) and a dog bit her leg and she died so I replaced her, and they were making this fanfic into a movie, but they did it all wrong and Foaly wasn't a centaur and he had a briefcase full of chips and then Brendan (once again, that Brendan.) tied a rope around my waist and threw me off the boat (suddenly we were in a cutter) and I was picked up and nailed to a cross and Artemis rescued me.

So right now I'm hyper. TIME TO WRITE!

(you can only fear what this will do to my story...)

Reviews:

Yami Marik: It's going slowly, 'cause I'm low on smutty inspiration (Love life troubles... eek.)

Michelle: Thanks! That... kinda makes sense. That'd mean that our equivilant of 3rd grade is 3rd-4th form.

And a yummy yummy Tic-Tac of thanks to crazygirliecaptain, ckontowderdon32, xSimplyxMagicalx, Annie-Morphs, and Riverwren

And SPECIAL THANKYOU HUGS to RiverWren and Annie-Morphs for pointing out a mistake I made in chapter 8. I forgot to garble Holly's speech in one line. I'll fix this as soon as I have time :)

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Hyper Tomos Should Be Kept Well Away From Word Processors.**

Holly sighed around her gag. Artemis was sitting crosslegged, massaging his temples. Fiona wasn't even moving, but appeared to be daydreaming about the guard.

Finally, Artemis moved. "That's it. There's no other way out."

Holly blinked. "Wah ih i?"

"...Fiona person, would you have any qualms about seducing that guard?"

Fiona blinked, then her face spread into a wide evil grin, and she started making a sort of high-pitched squeee sound. Artemis began to regret his plan.

"Holly, you and I will sneak out, while Fiona is..." He blushed.

"Workin' my magic." Fiona laughed.

"Ahh... yes. Once we have escaped, you follow us."

"That's it? Nothing else devilishly clever and tricky in that huge brain of yours?" Fiona rapped on Artemis' head fondly.

Artemis frowned, glaring at her. "No." But, of course, there was.

000

That evening, the guard came back in, somehow balancing three trays of food. Fiona got right to work, brushing right up to him as she took her plate.

"Hi." She purred. "I'm Fiona. Who're you?"

He didn't speak, putting the food down and walking stiffly out of the room. He didn't lock the door though, and Fiona took this as an invitation. She nudged open the door, slipping through it sneakily, and almost walked straight into the boy.

"I'm Lucide." He smirked, and mashed her mouth to his. ((Fiona... I forgot what name you specified in our little planning session, but I think that was close enough.))

Fiona returned his kiss eagerly, pushing Lucide up against the wall, hands exploring every inch of his body. In return, his hands roamed around her, feeling all over her breasts, before coming to rest on her perfect backside. ((I can't resist... your arse is totally better than Sarah's.)) Fiona opened one eye to see Holly and Artemis sneaking off. Quickly, she grabbed Lucide's hand and dragged him after her.

"Come on, you have to admit that you hate it here." She whispered. Lucide nodded fervently. Fiona smiled, and planted a big, smacking kiss on his cheek.

000

The two couples tore down the corridors, Lucide leading them towards the closest exit. He froze, though, when he rounded the final corner, and came face to face with Madame Garnet and Foaly.

"Well well. I expected that we would have to deal with some escape attempts, though I didn't expect you to be helping them, Lucide."

Lucide cringed, and hid behind Fiona. Holly looked at Foaly, pure hatred in her eyes.

"I thought we were friends!" She cried.

"I thought you would never fall for that mud boy!" Foaly yelled back.

"So did I!" Artemis was trying to get Holly's attention, but she ignored him. "I thought he was just a stupid Mud Boy, but that was before I knew him! And now I know him, and I love him, and I don't ever want to let that g-" Holly was cut off by Artemis kissing her fiercely, and Garnet screaming. The metal gag lay abandoned on the floor, and Lucide smirked, spinning the keys around his finger.

A burst of purest white light erupted from the point where their lips were touching, bathing the entire planet in pure love. Across the globe and under it, fighting couples made up, people realised that they were sitting right next to their true love, and families were brought together. Poachers hugged animals, worldwide peace was declared, and the fairies were discovered.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Garnet yelled, tackling Holly and knocking them both to the ground. Artemis hit his head, and fell unconcious, while Garnet bashed Holly's head on the floor again and again.

"Ow! D'Arvit you, bitch!" Holly grabbed Garnet's hair and pulled, as though trying to rip her head off.

The two continued to catfight on the floor, until a large roar erupted from the exit door.

Domovoi Butler was in the house.

A/N: I seem to be tending towards shorter chapters, because I have less and less time to write and more and more stuff to do. Regrettably.

OMG REVIEW OR I'LL MAKE FOALY GET SITTED ON BY DOMOVOI!


	11. The Might Of Butler

A/N: Well well! My exam's in 12 hours, and I'm not planning any sleepless nights. I've done all I can, and that's all I can hope for. if i have to go back to school, I'm totally going to your school, Fifi! Hope not, though, because that would suck voldie's hairy balls.

REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annie-Morphs: Aaaah! Too much fierce kissing! I'm running out of adjectives! NOOOO! And yes, i meant sitted on. Just one of those weird things that nobody but me will ever get.

Xx Artemis Rox mi Sox xX: Workin' on it! I just have worst exams of my life right now. I barely have time to update my own stories, but I'll look that through ASAP!

Fiona: Yeah, your arse rules the world! XD Whore. And YEAH I WAS JUST COMPARING HAIR FOR GODSAKES! JEEZE! Like Morgan has nice hair, and I know he'll be hot when he's older, but I would still replace the word Steven with Morgan if it fit... but Steven's hair is better.

ckontowderdon32:hands tictacs: see Annie-Morphs' response for the answer to your first question, and as to the second one... you'll see, I guess.

devoted99: LOL... That would be funny, but I'm trying to keep a sirius (AHAHAHAHA... oh. not funny. crap.) tone for this story...maybe next time :3

And KISSIEPOOS to MONKIY, xSimplyxMagical, Death's pen, Jack.Sparrow.1245, crazygirliecaptain, Rachelbuntaro, Scarfia

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - The Might Of Butler. (wow, this one actually has a sensible title!)**

Holly and Garnet looked up, freezing midfight. Garnet was on top of Holly, mid-punch, while Holly was attempting to drag Garnet's hair out of her skull. Artemis was collapsed on the floor beside them, and Foaly, Fiona, and Lucide were all frozen watching.

Artemis was all he saw. He raced for his charge, sending all the other characters flying in his efforts to get to the unconcious boy. He knelt beside Artemis, checking all vital signs at top speed. Nothing was wrong, though the boy might have a concussion. Taking Garnet, Fiona, and Lucide to be the threat, as they were least familiar, he attacked them, grabbing Garnet and Fiona by the hair, and Lucide by the back of the collar.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?" He roared, preparing to throw them against the wall, when Holly stopped him.

"Wait, Butler!" She cried. "It's the brunette. These two are our allies."

Butler grunted, not liking being interrupted in his violent rage, and put down Fiona and Lucide, who had been screaming the whole time. After all, being held up by your hair is painful, as is the back of your throat. Both ran for cover, Lucide rubbing his neck, and Fiona checking her hair frantically in a cosmetic mirror. Though before long, they were making out. Lucide -was- hot. In a totally unStevenish way, since it disturbs the real Fiona.

Garnet, however, was thrown against the wall, where she lay bleeding from the mouth, nose, and back of the head. She was in real bad shape, with chunks of hair missing.

Holly stood up, dropping one of the aforementioned clumps of hair. "Thanks Butler..." She then spotted Artemis for the first time, racing over to him desperately. "Artemis! Wake up!" She cried, trying hard to wake him up. Finally she collapsed on his chest sobbing. "D'Arvit you, you bastard, Artemis. Won't you please just wake up?" She said defeatedly. "You're such a stubborn git. I don't even know why I love you." Her voice was small and quiet, but it seemed to echo through the hall. D'arvit, she had accidentally said that in front of Butler. Oops.

But Butler didn't say anything, no doubt reserving his advice for later, and Holly was allowed to cry quietly on Artemis' chest. Even Fiona and Lucide detached to watch. But Foaly, Holly's former best friend, had vanished.

For a few minutes they just stayed like that, all three watching Holly sobbing on Artemis' chest. Then slowly, gently, Artemis' arm moved to be around Holly.

"'S 'kay." He mumbled, not opening his eyes. "Stop cryin' 'olly, or Foaly's gonna get 'way." He was clearly concussed, and not quite awake, but Holly clung to him even more tightly, the tears stopping.

"Thank Frond you're okay... oh Artemis..." and she dissolved into more tears.

Butler, however, retained his military demeanour. "Foaly? What's wrong with him?"

"He's with Garnet. Gofind 'im, Butler. 'M fine." Artemis continued gibbering, this time with his eyes opening blearily. Butler nodded, hurrying off to do his young master's bidding.

Holly finally recovered enough to sit up and wipe her eyes, surveying Artemis through puffy eyes. "Are you okay, Artemis?"

He nodded slowly, wincing and clutching his head. "Ow... concussion... hit head hard."

Holly had to stop herself from laughing at Artemis using such bad grammar. It wasn't something you saw every day, and she found it adorable. "Don't worry Artemis, you'll be fine. Come on, sit up." She helped Artemis up, looking around to assess the situation.

"Where's Foaly?"

"He ran off. You sent Butler after him." Holly smiled.

Artemis nodded, blushing. "And... um... did it work?"

"Huh?"

"When I kissed you. It had to be sealed by a kiss at both ends... did it work?"

"Oh... um... yeah."

"I suppose we should talk about this." Artemis blushed. Fiona and Lucide had vanished into their own 'romantic moment' leaving the two virtually alone.

"Huh?" Holly blinked.

"About us, I mean. What're we going to do?"

"Well... you won't live very long, compared to me, and without Foaly, I don't have many friends underground. Besides, I'm a bit too tall."

"So you mean you'll stay with me?"

"I guess... But Artemis, this whole thing is really complicated, and I don't want to get hurt. We're going to have to sit down and talk things through properly soon."

Artemis nodded. "As soon as we get back home, I promise."

"Can I sleep in your room?"

"Of course... you haven't stopped being the most heavenly thing on this planet to wake up to, and I don't think you will any time soon." Both were smiling lovingly into each other's eyes, all traces of awkwardness gone. Seconds before they were about to lean in for a kiss, Butler re-entered the room, an unconcious Foaly being dragged behind him.

"I took care of Foaly, and you two have to fill me in on everything. Right now." He grunted, eyeing Holly and Artemis, who were cuddled up on the floor, nose to nose. They looked at each other, and began to tell the story.

Butler blushed, gasped, and looked disapproving in all the right places. Both Holly and Artemis made a silent agreement not to mention the dreams, since they were definitely a personal thing. When the story was done, Butler picked both of them up, and enfolded them in a bone-crushing hug. In the background, Fiona was making little squeeing noises, while Lucide fiddled with her hair fascinatedly.

"Ack! Put us down please, Butler..." Artemis choked, panting heavily once he was released from Butler's constricting grip.

Holly nodded. "Please don't ever do that again. No offense."

Butler beamed. "Come on you two, let's get back to the manor. I believe you owe us another four days visit Holly."

Artemis and Holly shared a look. "Actually..." Artemis began." She's going to move in with us. We just have to drop Garnet and Foaly off at Tara, and take these two back to wherever it is they live, then we can head home. All three of us."

Butler smiled. "No problem. Do you two need a lift?" Both Fiona and Lucide nodded, so butler managed to pile all seven of them in the car (a more difficult task than one would think.) and sped off for Tara.

A/N: OMG. My exam was yesterday now, and I'm pretty goddamn sure I PASSED. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO. :undulates in happiness:

REVIEW BECAUSE I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD THAT ALL REVIEWERS WILL GET THEIR OWN SPECIAL CAMEO IN THE NEXT CHAPTER IF THEY WANT!

Just tell me...

Username/nickname:

Brief appearance:

Favourite fandom:

Favourite characters/pairing from said fandom:


	12. Closure Of Sorts

A/N: Well! It's been a great ride, but I'm afraid all good things have to come to an end. And so does this story. There WILL be a sequel, if my plot bunnies continue to multiply. And yes, it will contain random nudity, freaky dreams, and much much more! And of course, I'm planning an epilogue as I type this. Which is about five minutes after I posted the last chapter. I am on SUCH a roll. After this, I tackle Sevvie Reloaded. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :more random undulation:

REVIEWS (okay, so I don't have any yet, but they'll go here when I get them.)

Michelle: Thanks for reading!

Sinkes: Modesty is for the ugly ;)

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Closure... of sorts.**

Chix Verbil, egotistical sprite extraodinare, was having a good day. A great day, as it happened. Nothing much had happened, and Lili Frond had been flirting with him all morning via vidphone.

Abruptly, his afternoon and evening started to look a lot grimmer.

The doors to his surveillance room banged open and Holly Short walked in, looking ready to kill. She was followed by Artemis Fowl the second, whose hair was all screwed up, and Butler, who deposited two unconcious bodies on the floor.

"Chix." Holly said. "Deposit these two in a cell, and tell the boss I'm taking a hundred years or so off." She smiled at Fowl - at FOWL! Chix was unable to get his jaw off the floor. He was so much better looking than that stupid little Fowl boy, and he had even offered himself to Holly more than once. He accidentally hung up on Lili.

"Chix. Are you just going to stand there gaping? Get moving, man!" Holly barked. Chix picked himself up, and got on the blower to headquarters. It turned out that Garnet had been on the wanted list for a long time, and Foaly had been ever since he joined her side. Holly was awarded merits for capturing them, and Section 8 happily let her go. (Following the demons return to earth, it had become simply an elite crimefighting unit, spearheaded by Commander Vinyåya, and Major Holly Short. (She had been promoted with honours.) now, however, Vinyåya would have to run things alone. Holly had no doubt whatsoever in her abilities.

000

"That's that then." Holly breathed. Several hours and interrogations later, she, Artemis, and Butler were being allowed to leave. This was a good thing, since they had left Fiona and Lucide alone in the car, and God only knew what they were getting up to.

Luckily for them, nothing too bad was happening; although Fiona -did- look oddly sated, and Lucide was looking somewhat dazed. Artemis and Holly sat together in the front, and avoided the back seat, and it was never mentioned again.

"So can I go home now?" Fiona asked. "My friend and I came here together. I have to get back to her now, so we can go home."

"Where do you live?" Lucide asked anxiously. "I've got nowhere to go."

"Well... it's hard to explain. I know where Tomo's gonna be though." Fiona grinned, and gave Butler directions to a little field.

In the middle of the field was a girl sitting there impatiently, drumming her fingers on some sort of weird devide, that said 'Fan-O-Matic 2007' on the side. When the girl spotted Fiona, she jumped up, waving. The girls raced towards each other and hugged at high speed. Artemis wondered how they managed to do that without breaking bones.

"Fifi!" The new girl exclaimed. "Are you ready to go?"

"Sure thing Tomo." Fiona replied, and it was now revealed that this newcomer was, in fact, the author in disguise. Not that she was actually wearing a disguise, or any of the characters knew she was the author, but anyway.

"I didn't find them anywhere. I guess we didn't get the Artemis Fowl universe after a-" She froze, catching sight of the main characters getting out of the funny-smelling car. Tomo grabbed Fiona, and whispered in her ear furiously. "Is that...?"

"Yep."

"Did you get 'em together?"

"No sweat."

"Whose that guy? He's hot in a totally unStevenish way!"

"He's Lucide. Another one of my bitches. Can he come too?"

"Sure. But next bitch is mine."

"Alright." Fiona grinned, ruffling Tomo's hair, and screwing it up even more.

Tomo picked up the Fan-O-Matic 2007. "All aboard, now departing for Hogwarts."

"After that, can we visit Stargate SG1? I want to see Jack!"

Tomo sighed. "Fine. But while you're there, I'm gonna go get a Jack of my own... a certain pirate."

Fiona gasped. "You wouldn't!" Tomo just grinned.

Fiona guided Lucide's hand onto the Fan-O-Matic. Tomo detatched for a second, and raced over to Artemis.

"Damn, you really are hot. I'd envy Holly if I wasn't a shipper." She kissed him on the cheek, before returning to the contraption, and they were gone.

"What... the HELL was that?" Holly said.

"No idea." Artemis stated, touching his cheek and staring at where Tomo had disappeared from. And then Holly punched him, slightly harder than was nessecary.

"Don't tell me you're gonna go all wishy-washy over her, now." There was a note of bitterness in her voice.

"Don't worry, Holly. You're the only one for me."

"Aww." Holly smiled, hugging him. And then they all went back to the manor, and lived happily ever after.

000

Tomo, Lucide and Fiona, however, hurtled through the space-time continuum, just like Dr. Who without the TARDIS. Or the gorgeous doctor. Or Rose.

They passed through thousands of alternate universes, some more vivid than others.

They saw Michelle, happily at Hogwarts, and watching Ron and Hermione make out. They saw Sinkes' blonde hair making her slinky black catsuit useless, as she spied on Holly and Artemis from another universe, filming them for her fanfiction. They saw thousands and thousands of fanficcers, each hovering around their own fandom, until finally they arrived upon a blank Hogwarts.

"Okay." Tomo grinned, rubbing her hands together. "Let's make some mayhem."

A/N: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I FINISHED IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

BUT DON'T WORRY! THE EPILOGUE IS COMING! AND THE SEQUEL! BREED, DAMN YOU PLOT BUNNIES!

(and yes, this was posted approximatley 1 hour after the last chapter. I'm just on a writing high. And be honest, are you mad at me? Like, at all? Didn't think so.


	13. Epilogue

A/N: Hello! I'm back, and I come bearing epilogue! Apologies to people who posted their i-want-to-be-a-character thingies after chapter 12 was posted, but before it was visible... I'll put you all in there soon. Promise

Reviewness!

Annie-Morphs: You officially win the trphy for best reviewer ever... your reviews made me want to write this even when I feel like shit and have a big pimple on my nose :)

Sinkes: OOPS! Damnit, I'm crappy at guessing genders... I should have noticed when you said your name! I'm so sorry... I'll fix that asap. I feel bad now...

Xx Artemis Rox mi Sox xX: That's an AWESOME idea... actually somewhat similar to what I had been planning o.O Chances are, I'll steal that idea (but give you credit) and twist it a bit to make it fit into what I was thinking. WAAHAHHAHAHA YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME!! MORTAL BEINGS FLEEEEE... FLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MyLadyMicheline: Yay! Having your own account is fun!

hollybridgetpeppermint: Haha... you can be in this chapter just for fun. Thankies for reviewing!

TeeHee: A cameo means you get to appear for just a second. And I'll put you in there too!

And hugs tooo Scarfia, xSimplyxMagicalx, tigster5, BobMcBobinton, ckontowderdon32, and MONKIY.

**When Artemis Lost His Brain - Epilogue**

Holly Short rolled over in bed, content and at peace with the world. "Morning Artemis." She said sleepily, locking eyes with the boy lying next to her.

Artemis smiled back. "Good morning, Holly." He kissed her lightly on the lips, an innocent good-morning kiss. "Did you sleep well? No more erotic dreams of me?" He raised an eyebrow.

Holly hit him with a pillow. "No! Not like I need those now anyway..."

"You say that as if we've actually done anything."

She hit him with the pillow again. "I told you, I'm waiting until you're actually eighteen." Holly then proceeded to batter her boyfriend with a pillow until he begged for mercy.

"Mercy! Mercy! I give up!" Artemis giggled, and they both climbed out of bed, yawning and stretching.

"So... uh... I have to go get dressed now." Holly blushed. Artemis nodded. This was the most awkward part of their morning ritual - the one they would never get used to.

"Uh... yeah..." Artemis blushed. There was a moment of silent awkwardness, and then Holly grabbed some clothes, and slipped into the bathroom, beet red. Artemis sighed, and quickly changed into his clothes.

000

"So Holly? There's just one thing I don't understand." It was breakfast. Holly and Artemis had spent a week talking about things and sorting everything out, and were starting to relax into the blissful life that is coupledom.

"What is it, Artemis?" Holly asked, looking up from her porridge.

"What was with the big flash of light?"

"Huh?" Holly was confused for a moment, then it hit her. "Oh! That was our magical auras clashing with the enchantment of the spell. Nothing to worry about, basically the prophecy borrowed a bit of our magic to fulfil itself, then returned whatever was left over."

"Ah." Artemis nodded, returning to eating. Sadly to say, once they had finished talking about the events of the past few days, things became rather dull very fast. Sure they were both active people (Although Artemis was active mentally rather than physically) they spent most of their time curled up on a couch or reading books, or generally wondering what to do. Both of them had thought that being a couple meant doing new, exciting things, and enjoying each other's company, but far too fast they had slipped into the only too welcoming trap that is being too used to each other. Holly was even beginning to think that things had been more fun when they were 'courting' as it were; at least they had flirted and laughed then, now everything seemed almost clinical. Of course, she would never mention any of this to Artemis. Besides, she knew he was thinking the same thing.

"Holly?" Artemis said, interrupting Holly's thoughts. "I was thinking..."

"Big surprise." She rolled her eyes, smirking at him.

Artemis laughed. "Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to do things differently today. Instead of sitting around the house, let's go... do something."

"Sure." She smiled. "I'd like that. It'd be a nice change in pace."

000

And so, they got Butler to drive them to a paddock filled with wheat up to Holly's eyes. (and Artemis' shoulders.) They had a picnic, and spent hours just rolling in the grass laughing. Now this was more like it.

000

"Fiona! You idiot! Why the hell did you do that?" Tomo cried exasperatedly, running madly towards the Fan-O-Matic. "You could have gotten us killed!"

Fiona laughed back in return. "Totally worth it. Draco Malfoy's boxer shorts... Hell YES!" She laughed madly.

"Yeah yeah, but did you have to take Harry's too? And Ron's? I know you own half of Ron (mmm, threesome), but Harry is totally mine!"

"What about me?" Lucide moaned. "I thought you liked me!"

"Oh she does, don't worry. She's just Fiona." Tomo replied offhandedly. If there is such a word. Which spellcheck says there is.

Fiona nodded. "I love you all!" She squealed and, forgetting that they were running for their lives, from wizards shooting spells at them, she tackled Lucide and Tomo in a hug. They tumbled over and over, crashing into a wall. Lucide started to bleed from the head.

"Oh my god! I killed him!" Fiona covered her mouth with her hands, looking horrified. Tomo just stared blankly at Fiona. And then at a point behind her shoulder.

It seemed that three angry wizards, and a furiously jealous Hermione, had caught up to them.

A/N: Arbleebleblebl That's all folks! Sequel coming SOOON! :Dan DAN DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN:

_Update, 18/8/08_

_It has been well over a year and a half since I started WALHB. To date, it's my most read story, and I thank my fans for that._

_But... to be honest... I really don't like it XD_

_So, with the release of _Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox_, I figured it was finally time to put this story to rest. Here are some of my most frequently asked questions regarding this fic;_

_WHERE IS THE SEQUEL?_

_I deleted it. It was bad. With capital letters._

_WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET AROUND TO REWRITING WALHB AND THE SEQUEL?_

_At this rate, never. All round, I dislike the story, and even though a large part of that is due to how badly it was written, it still annoys me. Not to mention that now the plot would take a lot of reworking to fit with Time Paradox canon, and technically the main plot point is now null and void. Yes it could be rewritten as an AU fic. No, this is not likely to happen, unless I get really bored one day._

_IF YOU HATE IT SO MUCH, WHY NOT DELETE IT?_

_A lot of people read and reviewed this fic, and even now, I get the occasional 'added to favourites' email. I don't want it to just be gone one day, I guarantee I'd get angry letters lol. Besides, it's incentive to actually get off my arse and rewrite it after all. _

_Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, this story was some of the most fun I've ever had writing fanfiction, my reviewers are all beautiful, wonderful, funny people, and I'm really grateful to them for making this story so much fun to write at the time, even if I'll probably never pick it up again._

_xox, Tomo._


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